MOVIES THAT I WILL MAKE MY KIDS WATCH TO TEACH THEM VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS

No kid wants to listen to their parents, so I've started a collection of movies that I'm going to use to teach my kids life lessons. This way I can say "Hey, you don't believe me? Watch some of these movies.

Can't Buy Me Love

Being popular is really important, no matter how much your parents tell you it's not.

Less Than Zero

Becoming an actor that plays someone who does a lot of drugs, might make you turn out to be someone who actually does. (Also, doing it in the hallway of someone's house, even though he's your boyfriend is not really sexy and actually kind of slutty).

The Karate Kid

Learn Karate and use it.

I had more hard hitting ones in there like: "The Accused" (nothing good come out of being the only girl late night in a bar with a bunch of townies). "Alpha Dog" (chances are - all ideas from your teenage friends are going to be retarded). "The Elizabeth Smart Story" (listen when mom tells you to stay by her goddamit!) - but Chris said I was a weirdo - so I'll save those for my "If You're Watching This I Must be Dead" videos I made for them. Tune in next week for more life lessons though movies with The LANALOGUE.

3 SHOWS That Are AWESOME This Week

Real Housewives of New Jersey

LANALOGGER Amy DalMaso told me it was so good, that she watched last week's premiere twice in one sitting. I thought to myself "Self ... what could they possibly do that hasn't already been done to stereotype Italians and "shock" the nation 100 times before?" In comes 175 drunk Italian morons - who I really don't think were overacting - at a gaudy baptism (Bravo made sure to have 47 close up shots of the crystal cross). My two favorite moments of that episode:
1. Teresa's drunken brother scream/crying "I'm your son" in both English and Italian.
2. Teresa leaving her kids to fend for themselves for an hour in mass chaos. Thank god for those massive hot pink bows - because otherwise, they never would have been located.

I haven't watch this week's episode yet - but I heard that Andy Cohen is the best part.

Game of Thrones

Watch the 6th episode on regular TV and if a flash of Roz's bush isn't enough for you - download the HBO Go app on your iPad/iPhone and watch ep 7.

American Idol
What in the name of hell happened this season? Scotty .... I get. Country fans will take anyone out - but Lauren Alaina? She's cute - but really people? Whatshername sang Zepplin last week for crissakes! (Although ... Maybe the fact that I can't remember whatshername's name means she shouldn't have made it).

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7 Dirtiest Quotes on Eastbound & Down

WARNING!  IT'S DIRTY!

• Steve doesn't accept layaway.  If you make a f&ckin' bet with Steve, you f&ckin' pay Steve when his f&ckin' cock wins.
   
• He will titty titty bang bang you.  He'll cut your tits off right here.
   
• The wild lanscape became my mistress.  The wild women, my cum caves.
   
• Goddamit.  How many times do I gotta tell ya'll to keep it down?  Keep your musica down.  Ya'll out here damn kickin' this f&ckin' soccer ball around like you're goddamn Pele, blastin' the music, I'm tryin' to write.
   
• Let me make this real clear Catoue, if there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, it is f&ckin' soccer, all right?  And I hate when people do it around me.  Please hop off my moped, please, that is a very expensive vehicle.
   
• You don't like me?  Well, you're the one with the f&ckin' disability.  It should be me not liking you and yet I accept you.  And you do this to me?  Ehhh ... F&ck you, you midget.  I'm taking the f&ckin' cocks.
   
• Oh I see.  This is a f&ckin' double cross huh?  He's gonna bash my f*ckin' brains and you're gonna cut my d&ck off, you're gonna steal the cocks and f&ckin' roll me?  Fine.  After I told you that you were my best side kick.

Post-Mortem Notes on Lost by The Boys

 

"...move on."

     -Christian Sheppard 

It has been a long and strange and wonderful trip. From the day of the crash to rumblings in the jungle to Jack seeing his dead father to Michelle Rodriguez to punching numbers into a computer to light in a cave, the Lost Boys have had our minds blown and our hearts melted along the way. Like many other Lost fans, the show has become part of our lives. Ryan is convinced that time travel exists. Our friend Brian even named his cat Charles Widmore. Ruben now has a good cry once a day. 

We would like to say thanks to everyone who has dug our little lost words. This has been so much fun. Also, ten big thanks to Lana…and Hashem. But what the F was really up with Dharma?

This write-up has been so difficult to produce. It has taken Ruben and Ryan over a week and many tears and many re-watchings of the final episode, titled The End, to finally come off with some rewarding and deserving words. First and foremost, no other network television show in the past or the future will capture people’s hearts and minds like Lost. The finale was indeed a tear-jerker. Ryan was about to give up on the show, but the divine ending brought him back around. The Lost Boys are trying not to think about it too much. But that is proving impossible. We aren't going to talk (much) about the trivial details, like the light cave and Desmond's purpose, or the different religious symbols in the church at the end, etc. We have soul. Live together and you won't die alone.

Life is a test. The test’s results are afterlife and beyond and what is received by the soul. Lost was a program all about Jack’s test. That being said, in its simplest form, the show about Jack’s test was absolutely amazing. Hindsight.

Ruben cried like a little girl when Jack saw the plane fly over the Island and then his eye closes. Kleenex time. Lots of pacing. Ruben called his folks and told them he loved them. Ryan prayed.

But what about everything else? Everything else!

The more we think about it, the more we feel tricked. We are not alone when we say this, doubtless. Everyone watching this show wanted to know answers to certain mythology-based plot devices. And at the end, we were told it wasn’t about that at all. It was about the characters. Lame excuse for a lightning strike. We’ll get to our biased theories in a moment.

So the Flash Sideways Timeline was more like Purgatory, if you will. This was a no-place, no-time soul-mind creation so these people could be together again in the Beyond. Heaven? Maybe. Another life? Maybe. We were left with nothing but maybes. But why wasn’t Sayid reunited with Nadia? And how long had they been living this Purgatory lie before they saw the light? The Lost Boys think the Purgatory long con went on too long. They could have saved us the stupid Kate episode, second in the season, and given us more blood, please, more links in the chain, instead of squeezing it in at the very last second. And where were Michael and Walt? Michael’s soul was trapped on the Island. Walt’s story is one of the things that was left high and dry. This is an example of one of the things we try not to think about.

The only certainty is that they all died at some point, but their time together was the most important in their respective lives. But what is the Island? And what is the Smoke Monster? And why did Ben kill Dharma? And why didn’t we get more resolution on the subject of Dharma. We got a good chunk, but we didn’t get why, say, Goodspeed was building Jacob’s cabin. We can come up with hundreds of things Lost left unexplained. And this is why we think Lost is not done. In one form or another, whether it is in books or plays or graphic novels or spin-off shows, mark our words, Lost is not done. Why, if it didn’t matter to the plot, did Eloise send her son back to the Island to be killed. It didn’t really matter, so why not save him? Why were the Others wearing fake beards? And on top of every little detail left aloof, they really didn’t explain the Jacob-MiB story all too well. Everything we have seen and grasped onto was utterly inconsequential. We were let down a little. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Again, this is why we try to not to think about it too much. We try to think of the series as a whole. A great series with an okay final season.

Here is our wayward theory: The Island is God. We think of God as an omnipotent man in the sky. Shed that notion for a second and think of God as giving life. Like the Fountain of Youth, if you will. The Island is God. This is why people want to kill for it and will stop at nothing to get more of it. It is the bearer of life and death and once someone or something comes into contact with it (or crash lands on it), their mission is to feel it. Discovery is a terribly wonderful thing. The Island is God. Because times doesn’t matter to God. Time didn’t matter on the Island.

Frank Lapidus!!!

So, until we see some spin-off show about Hurley and Ben in an odd-couple-like sitcom with a laugh track, the Lost Boys would like to bid farewell. The good news is that Ryan has taken the role of movie critic for the LANALOGUE. Not only will he be writing about new movies, like Iron Man 2, which was awesome, he will also be reviewing older films like Starship Trooers, which sucked. We don’t have a name for that one yet so if anyone can come up with a catching movie critic blog byline, Ryan is open to suggestions. Again, Ryan and Ruben would like to say muchos gracias to Lana and everyone who has read the Lost Boys. Peace out. 

 
www.ryanbuynak.com

www.coyoteblood.blogspot.com 

LANALOGUE PARTY May 2010

    

LANALOGUE Party Pics at Professor Thoms in NYC featuring: Lostathon, The Lost Boys: Ryan & Ruben (in Frank Lapidus tee and Numbers Baseball Hat), Cliff Christofaro, Gina Bocuzzo, Nicole Arena, Larry Wallach, Bretje Wallach, Nikki LeSage, Selena LoRusso, Rich Lippold, Jess Freidman, Rebecca Soskin, Jackie Alongi, Rourke Harrington, Tara Cunningham, Thayer Fox, Tara Rothman, Susan Goldfarb, Diana Lawrence, Nicole Coletti, Andy Meyerson, Ed Silhan, Felicia Mattson, John Kearon, John O'Donnell, Chris Kramer, Keren Amihud, Matt Howe, Matt Leber, Katie Fogerty, Mark Brebach, Jeff Fischer, Rebecca Hanley, Anne Toal, & Pete Aquilino

THE LOST BOYS WITH RYAN BUYNAK AND RUBEN ROMAN

“We’re in hell."

-Ricardus

Richard Alpert! Ricardus. Ricardo. Ricky. Riles. Ribbon man. River. Great episode. But. Still. What the F is going on here? Hell this and heaven that. This is a bait and switch thing, bubba. Hell hell hell. It’s heaven. And all we can do is guess who is good. Jack is good. Hurley is good. Ultimately Sun and Jin are good and Sawyer is good. Locke was good. Maybe. Richard Alpert is great.

Confusing much? Hell yes, how could one not be after this thriller. Ruben was on the edge of his seat the whole time. Ryan loves any episode in which Frank Lapidus curses around a fire. Opening with Ilana and Jacob speaking Russian and then segueing into a funny scene in which Jack’s mind is blown when the others tell him about Locke/MiB. This episode follows Ilana’s attempt to figure out what to do with the help of Richard’s expertise, but Richard is in the midst of a severe crisis of faith. He has crises coming out of his ears.

We thought Richard was going to be of Egyptian origin, but he is not. Turns out, he is from Tenerife, Canary Islands, and he was born sometime in the latter half of the nineteenth century. Turns out, he was on the Black Rock. Turns out, the Black Rock, riding a single, mysteriously large wave, broke the gosh darn statue. This was such a great episode, one of the best of the season, if not the entire series. It answered a good amount of questions, both new and old. For instance, Richard doesn’t age because Jacob granted him a gift.

This episode, entitled Ab aeterno (which is a Latin adverb meaning ‘Since the Beginning of Time’) harkened back to the beginning of the series with the traditional flashbacks. This backstory of Richard’s could have made for a lengthy arch had this been season one or two. His life rivals Locke’s and Sawyer’s for saddest. First his wife is sick. Then he accidentally kills the damn doctor. Then his wife is dead. Then he is jailed. Then he is made a slave. Then the ship carrying him wrecks. Then he is tempted by the Devil, whoever the hell that may or may not be. There is a ton of biblical references in this one. The whole episode mirrors the story of Job, in which God and the Devil have a little wager on whether Job can be tempted. Richard is riddled with crises of faith and on top of that, he is tempted to change allegiance. This cannot happen. Richard can’t follow some One else! We’ve known Richard one way for so long. Every One has a story. And we have been waiting for this one since The Man Behind the curtain when we first started wrapping our heads around a dude that doesn’t age. In that episode, Ben says to Richard, “Remember birthdays?”

Did anyone notice the blue butterfly? The butterfly was definitely Jacob. He brought the rain. But he kept it out of Richard’s reach. Why? And the hog was definitely the Man in Black. So Jacob can’t bring people back from the dead. Dead is dead. Why? So Jacob can’t undo the sins of the past. Tabula rasa. But he can grant everlasting life. The Man in Black kept referring to the being which dwells in the foot of the statue as the devil. This sounds like something the Devil would say about God in order to get some confused and twisted angel to follow his word instead of the divine’s. The Devil will show up when you need something the most.

That was one hell of a baptism Jacob gave to Richard. It’s okay, Richard needed it. He is new on the Islando. His past sins do not matter anymore. His initial crises seemed averted until, in the modern timeology, his mentor is now dead. So he goes and digs up his wife’s cross necklace and starts calling for Locke/MiB, saying over and over again that he has changed his mind. Just then, Hurley walks up and we found out who he was talking to in Spanish when Jack interrupted earlier. He is communicating with Richard’s wife from beyond the grave. Hurley, an instrument of God? That scene ends with Hurley telling Richard one more thing. His wife said that he has to stop the Man in Black from leaving the Island. And then we see UnLocke standing atop a hill, looking down on Richard and Hurley. He has evil in his eye. The episode ends on a nice little conversation between Jacob and the OG MiB. The Man in Black says he just wants to leave. Jacob retorts by saying that as long as he himself is alive, he will never let MiB leave the Island.

From thriller to tear-jerker and then back to thriller. From Backgammon to Epistemological. From Archipelago to Anthropomorphized. Science vs. Faith. Good vs. Evil. Fire vs. Water. Life vs. Death. Nature vs. Nurture. Right vs. Wrong.

In the sandleford warren in the middle of the jungle of life…If one were to take their time and go back and research the names of all the episodes in the Lost chronology, one would be able to paint a pretty picture of funny finds in their minds of what is what and what are the signs and what is that and what is death devil disco from (in whispers) the beginning of time.

Let’s give one more round of applause to Nestor Carbonell for delivering a stunningly layered performance about a man so shrouded in mystery until now. Interesting facts about the dude who plays the dude who doesn’t age. He went to boarding school with his castmate, Matthew Fox. He has a B.A. in English from Harvard University.

Over and out.

http://www.ryanbuynak.com/

http://www.coyoteblood.blogspot.com/

The Lost Boys with R & R

“Trust me, God’s got nothing to do with it.”

-James “Sawyer” Ford

Sawyer episode! The Stylish Southern with droopy shoulders and puppy dog eyes returns! In the OG timeline, Sawyer is rollin’ with Locke, and in the new alternately alternate timeline Sawyer is an officer of the law! This episode was kinda like the Kate episode from earlier this season, where in it nothing much moves the mythology narrative, but it paints an exquisite character picture. And unlike the Kate episode, this one didn’t suck. Instead of becoming a conman, James Ford became a cop. In the OG timeline, Sawyer is told by UnLocke to sail across sometimes-there-and-sometimes-not bay to the other island. There he finds a lady named Zoe and a whole bunch of dead bodies. In the New timeline, Sawyer is a cop still harboring issues with the murder-suicide of his folks and the man who conned and caused it all.


Ryan likes to call the alternate timeline the ‘What If?’ timeline. Like what if Sawyer were a cop? Crazy. So Sawyer still went to Australia. Did he still kill that guy? Probably not. He totally bangs Charlotte in this episode! Charlotte finds Ford’s Sawyer file and he flips his lid. No wonder Sawyer and Jack never got along, they are both battling daddy demons.


Back in the original gangsta timeline, Kate says hi to Sayid, Sayid is not himself. Then, all of the sudden, Claire attacks Kate with a knife. The two struggle in a female death grip, while Sayid sits there doing nothing, and then UnLocke throws Claire off of Kate. Claire starts to whig out and then UnLocke slaps the sh*t outta her. What if Locke slapped Claire? Awesomeness to the max.


Did anyone notice that Sawyer’s hair is shorter? Did anyone notice Charlie’s brother is in the precinct looking about for word on Charlie? In this new life, Charlie is the addict and his bro may be the narrow one, the sober one. Sawyer blows it with Charlotte. Good! They aren’t meant for each other.


Back on the Island, UnLocke talks some shizzle on the beach with Kate. It isn’t until he mentions Aaron that he has our attention. Meanwhile, Sawyer is having a sit-down with Charles Widmore. This is a great counter scene to Kate’s convo with UnLocke, the banter between characters that we never expected to meet. But we still don’t know what Charles Wdimore, the mysterious mogul wants, or whether he is inherently good or evil. Ruben just got done reading Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil. Ruben laughs differently now. And then the episode ends with James Ford apprehending Kate in the new timeline. We keep thinking that Kate will die soon. But how? We think she will try to kill UnLocke and she will die by his hand. Speaking of which, we keep wondering when we will find out UnLocke’s/MiB’s real name. We hope it is cool and not something boring like Scott or Glenn.

www.ryanbuynak.com

SIGHTINGS FROM LANALOGGERS - Tara from The Biggest Loser

Traci Calabrese writes

"I saw Tara from the biggest loser, like last season or something. not sure if you watch, but she should have won.  But at the last episode this really annoying old hag won.  Anyhow I saw her at LAX and snuck a secret photo of her in the security line, which I probably could have been arrested for taking photos in the security line, however, I deemed it necessary.  I've attached that photo and her biggest loser before and after promo photo.  As you can see she has kept the weight off, although perhaps gained a bit back, not much tho.  She was carrying a bag with 3 apples and some granola in it.  I would imagine she has to to keep her image up.  Later on I saw her at chilis, I was drinking a vodka soda, as my flight was delayed, and she was annoyingly ordering food with no oil and no this or that.  In any case, I couldn't contain myself and had to tell her she should have won.  she smiled and said thanks.  I realize it is not brad pitt, but figured all those biggest loser fans out there would appreciate to know she still thin."

I was hoping that Chili's story was going to go another way.

The Lost Boys (Sorry for the Delay) with Ryan and Ruben and Corey Haim

“This time is crazy…because we have been away for so long.”

                        -Ryan Buynak

Short and sweet and well traveled. The Lost Boys have been away a while…first, Austin, Texas for a Lost conference, where we presided over a discussion panel…and then Orlando to which we traveled for a Lost lab apron rare as rare can be, Dharma Initiative, type A survivor sh*t. And now a fellow Lost Boy, Corey Haim, is dead. Damn. R.I.P. C.H. and Dogen and Lennon.

We watched last-last week’s Sayid eppy while in a hotel in Austin, Texas. We laughed, we cried. We wondered to ourselves whether Sayid is a danger like our friend Vernon. And whether new sideways timeline Locke is really Locke. For some reason, this doubt struck out in our heads and tails.

Sayid is now evil. We guess. Right? Evil as can be. No? Was he always evil? He was a torturer, after all. In the sideways timeline Nadia, Sayid’s everlasting love, is with Sayid’s paternal bro? Whoa, bro! Austin, Texas is awesome! Lapidus! Keamy, the hired thug from the freighter in season five, is out and about in our flash sideways timeline, and apparently Sayid’s brother owe’s him dough. We think Keamy is still working for Widmore in this new timeline. This may explain why his thugs have Jin in a walk-in freezer. Jin is still working for Sun’s dad, Mr. Paik. Mr. Paik is in cahoots with Widmore! What the S? Kate is around and she is stupid. She finds Claire while Claire is crazy. This is like a riddle. The whole show is a riddle, of course. A riddle of crazy proportions with a biblical twist and Will-Smith-Independence-Day-like day-dreams. Three blind mice, maybe. Then all H breaks loose. Sayid is evil. He kills Dogen and Lennon. We see the Smoke Monster with people in its shadows. Human People rolling over Kate in its GoshDarn shadows! Who is part of Un-Locke’s army? Kate is not on a team but she is rollin’ with Un-Locke. Where is Saywer? Is he corruptible? We think not.

We watched last week’s Ben eppy while in an old friend’s old house in downtown Orlando, Florida. This, in Ruben’s eyes, with terrible tears, was the best eppy of the season. Ruben was moved by Michael Emerson’s Ben performance. Oscar worthy, he said, even though tv stars don’t win Oscars and neither should The Hurt Locker.

In the alternate sideways timeline Ilana is running things and Miles rats out Ben as killing Jacob. This explains Miles’ power(s). Jacob wanted to believe in Ben. In the fictional Bible, Ben and Jaob are brothers and they go on to lead different tribes if/of/or thirteen. Thus. Then. Ben tries to manipulate but can’t…not like he could in the prior scion timeline in which he is the king manipulator. He is still close to Alex…Alex Rousseau. Substitute Locke in the other timeline listens to Ben’s lowly history teacher rant (could Locke in this other alternate timeline still be the Man in Black?). On the Island, we have a crisis of faith and a restoration of everything. Richard runs into Jack and Hurley haunting through the jungle and leads them astray from the temple. Richard is Lost. Jack is f-ing crazy. Crazy awesome. Richard’s loss of faith is restored by Jack in the best scene this season, if not the entire series. The dynamite is burning down and Jack is coloring Richard Alpert with a live breakfast of fun in the midst of the Black Rock, saying things we have never heard Jack say before. This Alpert-Shepard scene was incredible! What we loved about this episode, just to let everyone know this episode was directed by Mario Van Peebles, yes, this episode, is that scene with Jack and Richard. Again, It was amazing! We even talked about-about it with an old toothless lady on the Southwest flight back to NYC. She said it was horsesh*t, but she was drunk. Ilana is like Michelle Rodriquez. Also, we liked that William Atherton was in this eppy, the evil guy from movies like Biodome, Ghostbusters, Real Genius, etc. And the cheesy end, with the parascope, and low and behold, Charles Widmore. He has been missing. In the narrative forever. We were wondering when he would resurface. Ha ha, get it? Resurface. We are glad to see him. Where does he fall in all this MIB-vs-Jacob mess? Is Widmore a candidate?

What does it all mean?

We shall see.

Don’t ever give up.

Over and out.

It's News But Not For Mensa Members (2/16)

Noticeably absent at Fashion Week is Lindsay Lohan, once a front-row “It” girl. Several designers “don’t think she’s worth all the press she’d get their show,” an industry insider said. The absence may have also been personal, as her ex-girlfriend, deejay Samantha Ronson, and Sam’s twin sister, designer Charlotte, practically run fashion week.
(Also, that "cigarette skin, alcohol drenched, Donna Versace look alike" look  is so 2009.)

One of Tiger Woods’s alleged former mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, is a liar and not to be trusted, says James’s stepmom. James, who told “Inside Edition” that she was twice-pregnant with Tiger Woods’s child, is “a bad person who only wants to be famous,” said stepmom Deborah Siwick.
(I don't mean to stereotype, but porn stars in general, seem like the kind of folk that would do ANYTHING for fame and money - but that's just me.)

Brittany Murphy’s widower, Simon Monjack, and her mother, Sharon Murphy, have decided to refund donations immediately following reports that the Brittany Murphy Foundation is not yet legally a charity.
(Just say it.  Simon Monjack and Sharon Murphy are doing it.)

A mystery man pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade knife and walked into the Gramercy Park Hotel Sunday, where Axl Rose was set to perform in an intimate Valentine’s Day concert. He was tackled by ex-Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach. Guests including Mickey Rourke, Yigal Azrouel, Josh Lucas and Ryan Phillippe waited until well past 1:30 a.m. Sunday before Axl took the stage to perform his hits, including “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Sweet Child o’ Mine.”
(I just remembered why I loved Hair Bands and dated a guy with a feather earring in HS.  Bad a$$.)

Madonna will return to the big screen – only this time, from behind the camera. The singer will direct “W.E.,” a flick about the romance between King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson, with Oscar nominee Vera Farmiga rumored to snag the lead.
(MADONNA!  Stop trying to convince everyone you are from England.  Stop.)

Barbara Walters announced on “The View” yesterday that she will be ending her 29-year tradition of interviewing Oscar nominees for her annual TV special. “Been there, done that,” the TV host said. The last of the Oscar Specials will feature a retrospective of past interviews.
(Besides, it very hard to get the right camera angles and lighting for a walking corpse.)

Jenny McCarthy showed beau Jim Carrey just how much she cares with a high-flying valentine. “Just had sky writer come over our house and write J [heart] J in the sky,” she tweeted Sunday.
(Big deal.  I bet he would have preferred a BJ.)

Valentine's Day

Okay.  I am a loser.  I went on the Saturday before Valentine's Day to this mediocre rental of a movie.  However, It's not what you think!  I went with my gay husband instead of my real husband, which makes it less gay, but kinda gay because I went to a cheesy movie with a gay man.  Does that make sense?  And it wasn't really my gay husband, but my gay little brother, because I don't want to make out with him, but more like beat him up most of the time.  ANYWAY ... the movie was sort of terrible (the best acting was by Ashton Kutcher - if that says anything) ... the best part was when the whole audience of teens screamed over Taylor Swift (my date included) and one girl screamed "Oh my f-ing God" for Taylor Lautner.  Disturbing but interesting.

The Lost Boys (by Ryan and Ruben)

Throughout our 1500ish-year friendship, the Lost Boys have only disagreed over two things: the musical brilliance of Pearl Jam and this week’s episode of Lost. Ryan loves Pearl Jam, Ruben hates them. Ryan hated this week’s episode of Lost, Ruben loved it. Ryan is a man of science. Ruben is a man of faith.

Last week’s episode was titled “What Kate Did,” but let’s face the symphony, people, who gives a flying f-k what Kate does. We want answers, right? And, honestly, Kate doesn’t do much in this episode, except run in all sorts of directions.

To the basics. So Sayid is back from the dead, but is he really Sayid? Did anyone see how Miles looked at him? Apparently, our two new characters don’t think so. Speaking of our two new characters, let’s talk about them. The white dude with the spectacles is called Lennon and the Asian dude is called Dogen. Lennon seems like an obvious reference to a Beatle. Dogen, however, upon further research from our cool bearded friend, Brian Lufkin, is the name of a prominent Japanese Buddhist philosopher. He wrote extensively on time and being and for much of his life he was the head of a monastery temple. The producers have hinted that Dogen holds an important key or secret to the entire series.

Lennon and Dogen tell Jack that Sayid is infected, a revival of the sickness mystery. The “sickness” is a real thing, but what is it? Apparently, Jack’s sister has it, too. But how did Dogen know of Jack and Claire’s relationship. Speaking of Claire, let’s talk about her. She goes to give up her baby, but the adoptive mother is unresponsive and then Claire goes into labor. Of course. Let’s top that off with a cameo by The Lost Boys’ favorite creepy Other, Ethan, playing a doctor. But he introduces himself not as we know him, Ethan Romm, but as Ethan Goodspeed. This confuses us in so many ways. Is he a real doctor in this new sideways timeline? Is he an Other? Why the name change? Also, has anyone noticed that they changed the signature SWOOSH sound effect that used to mark the transisition between timelines to more of a mechanic shutter sound? Weird.

This episode didn’t give us much: a whiny Sawyer, Jack with attention deficit disorder, Kate running. That mumbo jumbo makes Ryan frustrated because there are few precious hours of Lost left, and they are filling them with nonsense. Ruben holds on to the hope that they will somehow explain everything. One redeeming value in this week’s episode, something both Lost Boys agreed on, was having Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia back playing Aldo the Other. But then he is shot by Claire. In the words of Hurley, are Sayid and Claire some sort of Zombies?

What if Lost changed themes altogether and the show became a Zombie musical starring William Mapother? Amazing. Hopefully next week will be better and might include Zombie musical numbers. That would be easier to swallow than stupid Kate and crying Sawyer. Over and out.

It's News: but not for mensa members 11/17

Barron Hilton had “Burglar Bunch” ringleader Nicholas Prugo kicked out of West Hollywood hot spot Voyeur on Saturday night.
(To which Nicholas responded: "Barron who? Do you mean Donald's son? Isn't he like 3?")

A Beverly Hills company is formulating a line of “Antiquity” fragrances based on the DNA of dead celebrities including Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson and Albert Einstein.
(Oh honey. Is that rotting corpse you're wearing?)

Janet Jackson told Robin Roberts she believes Dr. Conrad Murray is “responsible” for brother Michael Jackson’s death. Murray, meanwhile, narrowly avoided jail yesterday by striking a last-minute child support deal with the mother of his 11-year-old son.
(And to think I get stressed about meeting some stupid work deadline. This guy’s got “Killed Michael Jackson” and “Go to jail for being a deadbeat dad” on his plate.)


Mischa Barton has been on her best behavior since she was spotted “looking wobbly” at a Halloween party. The actress has been seen out drinking around NYC - but word is she’s had complete control of herself.
(Two weeks of complete control? Wow? )

T.I. will marry longtime girlfriend Tameka (Tiny) Cottle when he’s sprung from jail.
(It’s so romantic to be proposed to from jail. You know it’s coming from the heart and not the disillusionment of being pent up in a cell surrounded by thuggy men.)