Happy Birthday Mariah

Mariah's a$$ is at it again. What started as a simple birthday, turned out to be a barrage of PDA and oddly disturbing a$$ shots. When Nick and Mariah break-up (I give it about 287 days), Nick is going to have a harder time bouncing back than Chris Brown.

Thoughts about Mariah, her a$$ and Nick Cannon? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

Brad and DAD - The Quest for a New BFF

Not sure if you have heard the news, but the Jolie-Pitts have officially arrived in Huntington, NY (which is on Long Island). A bartender at the local french restaurant said that they had been in for dinner 2 weeks ago. The local pizza place said that Brad came in last week, ate a slice of pizza and left - no one even knew it was him. We also heard that Brad's mom was seen picking up Shiloh and Sahara from the local school. How do we know all this exactly? Well, the Jolie-Pitts have moved to a specific place in Huntington called Lloyd Neck and unfortunately for them, it happens to be on the same block as my parents.
From the moment we heard the news a few months back, DAD (see above picture) has made it his mission to become BFFs with Brad. I'll never forget the day he called me and said "Can you believe I'm gonna be hangin out with these guys?"
He has his plan all formulated out - some elements (and by all means not all) include: my twins, his motorcycle, some figs, an Indian Headdress and a whisper of danger. He has already convinced himself that they were born to be BFF's. Today, March 30th, will mark the first day of DAD's Quest to win over Brad. We know it won't be easy . Just today a local florist (and LANALOGGER), tried to drop off flowers to the house to welcome them and the mean man on the intercom told them to beat it and "dump" the flowers.
Will Dad's "The Secret" type mind games be enough? Will DAD's eccentric clothes lure Brad? Does he have what it takes? We will be sure to keep you posted

Any ideas for DAD in his Quest for Brad? He will take any and all suggestions and we will film him doing it. Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

TWITTER SOUP

taylorswift13: phone with Selena. Watching my blue toe nail polish dry.

Like oh my god! Good job 43 yr old hired male writer pretending to be a 16 year old girl.

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/28

The NY Post reports that "THE Hills" executive producer Adam DiVello is a sore loser. At a recent cast photo shoot for the MTV show, DiVello "completely lost his cool and was anything but professional" over star Audrina Patridge (above in HS), who the day before had announced a development deal with "Survivor" producer Mark Burnett. As soon as Patridge left the shoot, says our source, "DiVello went on a tirade, cursing her in front of other cast and crew." An MTV rep declined to comment.
Audrina Patridge. I can't believe that girl is being rewarded for being a retard.

The NY Post reported that KEVIN Federline and girl friend Victoria Prince were spotted dancing like crazy and drinking Jack Daniel's before he jumped on a wireless mike to sing one of his songs at Cain Luxe.
Please see above comment.

People.com reported that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz dashed rumors of marital woes, proving the passion is still alive as they locked lips on stage during the MTV Australia Awards in Sydney on Friday night.
I guess these guys weren't old enough to see Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie.

TWITTER SOUP

This week all the twittter twatter is about Demi and Ashton. Aren't Demi and Ashton so cool? They are just like regular folks. He tweeted this week that she steamed his suit in a bikini and posted a pic! She said what a sneak he was! Omigod! They are so cute! It's so real! They are so cool! ... Yeah ... and Lindsay Lohan is going to stay a lesbian forever. Below are some other Twitter Twatter Winners of the week:

MariahHBF: Haven't been able to tweet bcuz of lack of service! Nick surprised me with a Pip extravaganza celebration, island get-away!! Best one ever! MariahHBF: Thank you for all the good wishes!! Not to sound redundant but for the few of you that don't know I don't have B'days just anniversaries! MariahHBF: I am eternally 12 so this year we are celebrating the anniversary of my 12th B'day, yet again!
Oh sorry this one's not from Twitter. It's from crazy Twitter.

moonfrye: 1am soooo excited. Almost 100,000 people!!! You guys are incredible. I feel like having a huge party. A cyberspace celebration!!! XO
100,000 people?? Who the f&ck is following Punky Brewster (besides me)?

iamdiddy: Ptwitty friday night roll call!!!! What's your name Where you at? And are you rockin wit ciroc tonight??? Talk to me!
Who did Diddy hire to write for him? My cousin Joey? See Uncle Donny's House Presents: The History Channel Week in Review to the left or below.

PEOPLE Magazine - Valerie Is Hot

Has anyone seen PEOPLE Magazine this week? Valerie Bertinelli is 48 and has a better body than Gisele. It is inspiring, however, not inspiring enough to get my fat a$$ to bootcamp. Anyone want to go to bootcamp with me next week? I am not kidding. Check out www.warriorfitnessbootcamp.com and let me know. There is also a great article on Melissa Rivers and her face - now that inspired me NEVER to get botox.
www.people.com

Grey's Anatomy - Literally.

Patrick Dempsey's not so subtle gray streak is super distracting. Every time he was on screen, all I kept thinking was: How long are they going to keep that "supposed to be sexy, wise, defeated" gray stripe in his hair? Are they going to dye it? If they dye it back will it look weird? Are they going to address it? I don't even know what his storyline was this week - he proposed to Meredith and saved Izzie? Whatever. What's the deal with that hair?

Rock of Love Bus - I'm Bored

I have to say, the show is sort of boring now. I don't care about Taya and Mindy whining about each other. I don't care who can sing and who can't. I don't care that Jamie is a "groupie", but not a "slutty groupie". This is more like Real Housewives, not ROLB. I watch Rock of Love Bus for lesbians, hookers and sluts - not whiners, prudes and normals. PS It's all fake anyway. It's rumored that Bret lives with his baby mama, Kristy Lynn Gibson (above) and his kids. Having sex with strippers on TV, is his day job.

The LANALOGUE 3/27

The Awesome Friday LANALOGUE email just went out. Email me if you want to be added. lanalogue@gmail.com

HerOeD (posted by nick)

Cold Snap

I think this HerOeD should begin with some gloating, and I will do this by the use of two quotes. The first comes from myself in the HerOeD after the March 2nd episode:

“Micah, who’s ability is communicating with machines, such as having a traffic light change colors or how he made Nathan win the election in a landslide victory back in season one, is now my number one suspect as the identity of REBEL. If Micah, who could easily text Claire and hack Peter’s computer, isn’t REBEL than anyone else will be a let down, and Heroes should just hire me as a writer. With a government so dependent on surveillance, only Micah could easily get around their control.”

This next quote is from Lana attempting to outwit me in the LanaLogue on March 13th:

“Another great review by Nick. However, Nick fails to mention what I think is obvious - Nathan is rebel. Is that too obvious?”

(Insert evil villain laugh here) Victory is mine cousin, stick to your VH1 shows!

Erh-um, sorry, back to the review. “Cold Snap” is such a catchy name… and was the best episode thus far (this season). The show has direction again, and the point of the volume is finally demonstrated with an “edge of your seat” approach; they are fugitives!

The previous episode ended with Sylar lurking in Danko’s apartment, so when this episode opens with a trippy Danko shaving scene, we as viewers are expecting a Sylar/Danko showdown. As the suspense builds, a shocking and perfectly executed revelation comes into play. Sylar, unbeknownst to Danko, is working to benefit Danko and delivers him an unharmed Doyle (the Puppeteer). How their future relationship will play out is intriguing but I think its safe to say it won’t be a bromance.

Every scene involving Angela Petrelli had my complete attention. Her talk with Mr. Bennet, her precognitive dreaming finally effectively put to use, her escape in the rain by flirting with a stranger under an umbrella, meeting with another rich lady for cash, and escaping in an elevator from federal agents all had me loving every second her character was on screen. This emotional concern for a character’s safety has been lacking this season and finally returned for every character in this episode. Although it wasn’t much of a surprise, (“elevator shaft” + “sons can fly” = escape) Peter smiling at the agents was the icing on the cake.

Tracy’s escape (along with Parkman, Daphne, and Mohinder) played out perfectly and she went from being one of my least cared about characters to a favorite. She was totally badass the entire episode, from her badass line “I was trying to make ice in an oven, this is a breezy 68 degrees and I’ve worked up a hell of a cold snap” to her badass freeze wave in the parking garage. I think its safe to assume she will make like the “T-1000” in “Terminator 2” and liquid re-group, alive and well (she did wink and her broken pieces were above a sewer drain?).

The Daphne drama is finally over. While I really enjoyed her entire time on the show, it did seem fit to finally put an end to this Parkman is a mush routine. The dream scenarios Parkman built for her (the Gwen Stefani treatment and flying with her over Paris) were a great send off for her character, far more meaningful than her just being shot and disappearing. Before her character was put to rest the writers decided to clear up some confusion by explaining she can run on water, which is how she travels abroad. Unfortunately she is gone but it’s a sign that the show is growing a pair and getting back to its core characters.

In the end I must say I am most shocked that I actually enjoyed every moment of the baby Matt Parkman scenario. Hiro and Ando are back to being funny and cool, not winey and annoying. Ando shot a red-lightning projectile with a hint of paying tribute to the “Houdoken” or the “Kamehameha” (“Street Fighter” and “Dragon Ball Z” respectively). Hiro regaining his power gives him purpose to be on screen again and the fact that he can now only stop time, not teleport or time travel, makes the show have more realism (if that’s possible) to it, ya know otherwise anything bad that happened, Hiro could just go back and fix it, now he can’t.

Hopefully this is the first of many future awesome episodes.

Overall 9 outta 10

Damn. Nick thinks he's hot shizz giving me the Cold Snap. Questions/comments? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com Also - check out Nick, his Dad and his brother below (and to the right) in The Unclde Donny's Presents: The History Channel Week In Review.

Uncle Donny House Presents: A History Channel Week Review

Back by popular demand, The LANALOGUE has Uncle Donny in the hizzouse, along with Nick and his other son Joey (making his debut appearance).
In this episode Joey pontificates on the History Channel.
Extra special thanks to:
Cliff Cristofaro - Rad Editing
Joey Furci - Featured
Donny Furci - Feautured
Nick Furci - Featured

How do you feel about Nostradamus? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

You can also check us out on www.funnyordie.com/lanalogue

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/24

The Daily News reported today that Madonna has fired her children’s caretaker, Angela.

That’s weird. The fan club memo said she left to pursue other interests. Huh?

It was reported today that Michael Jackson, convinced he’s “shaken off” child molestation allegations, has contacted a British adoption agency about adopting an African child.
So child molestation is the ‘slightly sprained ankle’ of charges?

East Bound & Down - 7 Dirty Quotes This Week

Have you watched it yet? Well you should. HBO only ordered 6 episodes of the best show ever, and the 6th aired last night, so take this time to catch up. Hopefully, more episodes will be ordered, like now. As promised, below please find 7 Dirty Quotes from this week's episode of Eastbound & Down.

1. "F&ck me. This is seriously like the best wave of good shit I have had happen to me in my whole entire life. I knock out Macworthy's eye. Then I get to see April's big ass t&ts and have sex to her."


2. "Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets. Black - you'll have all three of them sucking your d&ck."


3. "Listen here you beautiful b*tch. I'm going to f&ck you up with some truth."


4. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to kiss on her p&ssy, your fiance, that happened too."


5. "You know what I read online? That Tampa has the best t&tty bars in the nation and I'm gonna set up p&ssy appointments for you all the time."


6. "Okay you stoic little bastard, in the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that will put callouses on those little hands of yours."


7. "I'm getting drunk on the reg, f&ckin' good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg, basically all the good sh&t that men fantasize about."

Thoughts? Questions? Any truth to #5? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

The LANALOGUE 3/20

The Awesome Friday LANALOGUE email just went out. Email me if you want to be added. lanalogue@gmail.com

SIGHTING - Kiefer Sutherland

LANALOGGER Karen Niovitch spots Kiefer on 6th Avenue and Waverly coming out of ATM last Saturday at 4PM.

Sightings? Send them to lanalogue@gmail.com

Rock of Love Bus - I'm Confused

I'm no brain surgeon, but usually I can catch on to the "story lines" in Rock of Love Bus pretty quick. However, this week's past episode confused me:

1) Bret kept all the brunettes. With the exit of Ashleigh Bigt&ts, it's the first time in the history of Rock of Love, that there has been no blondes in the final 2.
2) Amber and Bret dated for 10 months. Dated? Really?
3) He got rid of the 2 sluttiest girls there, Ashleigh and Britannya. Who will he have sex with?

4) Britannya tries to beat up Heather randomly out of nowhere (usually there is a little more drama behind these punches). Although I was confused by that, what really got me was that Bret is appalled. Usually he is "really turned on".

5) Britannya and Ashleigh's boyfriends/f-buddies were mutants. Although these girls are borderline prostitutes, they are still hot.

6) Daisy's new show "Daisy of Love" starts soon. Not only is she an annoying druggie, the name of her show makes no sense.

I know #6 had nothing to do with this past week's episode, but it still confused me.

Please help me understand. Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

The Lost Boys (straight from hips of Ry and Ruby)

“So it’s 1977, and you guys are all members of the DHARMA Initiative?”

-Hugo “Hurley” Reyes

Two weeks and thirty years later, we have ourselves a mind-blower of an episode, one in which Lost has recounted many old episodes and given us a few juicy answers. Hell yeah! The Lost Boys are pumped up. “Namaste” is the ninth episode of this season, Season 5, and on the surface, we find Sawyer, aka LeFleur, aka James Ford, trying to keep his huge lie under wraps.

Some of the O6 are back but not all of them. We wonder why? Sawyer is greeted with a hug from Hugo, a truthful gesture from the Doc and nothing but a hello from Kate. That is when Sawyer has to fill them in on the past three years. Get it? The “Past” Three Years?

Zoinks, yo. It’s like Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine.

Imagine being Jack, coming down from alcohol and pill abuse and a load of regret, and now on top of taking orders from Sawyer, he has to wrap his head around somehow going back in time thirty years. Jack looks skinny and vulnerable, doesn’t he?

So Jack, Kate, Hurley and Sayid are timeflashed to 1977, whereas LAPIDUS and Sun and John Locke and the Newbies are in 2007. This is where past episodes come highly into play. If you remember from Season 3, when Sawyer and Kate were captors of the Others, they were put to work digging some path, which Sawyer mentions as some sort of runway. This runway is the one the Ajira flight landed upon. On top of that, Jack is shown tapping his watch, which implies that it is broken. This reverts back to Season 1 when Michael and Jin were fighting over the watch, the one that Michael found and was wearing, the very one that Jin was supposed to deliver to LA under strict orders from Sun’s obtuse father.

These minor details are what get our socks glued together. Holy Shhhhh! Cheers! This is such a great television program!

So…Sun didn’t go back with the rest of the O6, probably because the Island won’t let her. Sun has changed. She is like Ben, manipulative and desperate; like Widdmore, secretive and violent if need be.

Speaking of Ben, how does Ben know that there are outrigger canoes waiting for them at the beach? Just as well, at the end of last season, how did he know where to find that hidden treasure box in the jungle containing a piece of glass, which he used to communicate to his people, and the saltine crackers that Hurley ate?

Ben knows the pieces of the puzzle and where they are hidden.

But is he working for good or for evil?

Sawyer drives Jack, Kate, and Hurley to the Barracks. Along the way, Sawyer mentions that Daniel Faraday has told him certain theories on what actions are possible (or impossible) after having traveled through time; but also notes that Faraday is not there anymore. What the hell happened to Faraday? Did he go crazy? Did he run off into the jungle and join the Hostiles?

Jack is “sworn in” by the creepy doctor from the Orientation films, and, low and behold, Jack is a Workman. What a funny scene that was. It was like when we were kids and we questioned anything a pediatrician said to us, the look he or she gave us was priceless. Jack’s look was priceless. Because based on his aptitude test, he is just a Workman. And then, he is later figuratively slapped across the jowls by Jim LeFleur; which we will get to in a sec.

Then Kate is questioned by Phil, the creepy dude, whose face we have seen in a million other tv shows and movies. That is when Juliet pops up with the new manifest. The Lost Boys think this dude, Phil, is going to have some sort of impact in the show. This theory is based on the notion of the ominous music they kept playing during his scenes, and also because recognizable actors are not cast on this show for no reason. Which brings us to Cesar and the dude we are calling Owen for now.

You are asking who the hell is Owen. Owen was the dude they showed for a brief, yet important second, during LAPIDUS’ beach speech. Right before Sun follows Ben and LAPIDUS follows Sun, they show a quick frame of a big-faced dude, whom most of you might recognize from the great show, October Road, or the horrible movie, Sherry Baby. They only showed this dude for one frame of a second, but trust us, he will play some sort of particular role in Lost’s vast character hierarchy.

Meanwhile, Sayid is caught in the wrong place at the wrong time! Radzinsky thinks he is a Hostile sent to spy on the Swan schematic. Jin has to pretend he doesn’t know who he is. The looks between Jin and Sayid, and Sayid and Sawyer are amazing acting at its best. These actors convey so much with a few simple glances. We trust Sawyer, er, LeFleur so much in this eppy. He knows his stuff. Hell, he has been there three years.

At the Flame, Radzinsky is building a model of The Swan’s geodesic dome. We find out that Horace and Amy’s baby is, none other than the Jack-Ass-Kicking and Charlie-choking and Baby-Aaron-stealing, Ethan. Ethan from season one. Creepy Ethan. Not from the manifest. Why wasn’t he killed in the Purge along with the rest of the DI? The Lost Boys have a theory about the folks born on the Island being special somehow. In Ethan’s case, his super strength, probably from him being born on the Island. This could later explain why Ben took Alex from Rousseau…because Alex was born on the Island.

Juliet and Kate had beef before over Jack. And now they are going to have bitter beef quarrels over Sawyer. Oh, how the tables have turned. And like we said two weeks ago, you have to remember that the 815 castaways only knew each other for 108 days before the freighter people came and imploded everything. Sawyer and Juliet and Miles and Jin have been living in this time, DHARMA time, with these people, for three years, thus building stronger ties than with that of their fellow former 815 castaways.

Love is convoluted and polluted. We wonder how in the hell this Love Quadrangle of Sawyer and Kate and Jack and Juliet will play itself out.

Towards the end of the episode, Sun and LAPIDUS are back on the main Island, along with the Smoke Monster. “Probably just an animal,” Sun says. Then they find themselves in DHARMAville, adjacent to the Processing Center, where thirty years ago, Sun’s husband, along with K and J and Hugo are being secretly initiated into the DI. Then the Whispers. Then Christian Shepard, cloaked in shadows. “I’m sorry, but you have a bit of a journey ahead of you,” Christian says when he shows LAPIDUS and Sun the photograph of the DI’s 1977 recruits.

What is Christian’s role in the pantheon of Lost? Is he good? Is he bad? Is he like Gandolf the White? Is he like George Carlin’s character from Bill and Ted’s Excelling Adventure? He is like Sylvester Stallone in First Blood. Just kidding.

And the eppy ends with two huge scene…scenes that make the world worth living in. One is Sawyer’s verbal biiiiatch slap of Jack, where he drops the Churchill quote, and says he saved their asses, and that he will “think” about everything to do. Brilliant. The other scene involves a little kid delivering Sayid a sandwich.

Side note: Ryan predicted last week that in this eppy we would see a young Benjamin Linus. And he was right.

The little kid who brought Sayid’s no mustard sandwich, was the mastermind manipulator himself, previously known as Henry Gale, Bennnnn Linusssss! Whoa. Talk about a mindblower. Ryan’s mind exploded and he didn’t let it down that he predicted this event.

Well, now Ryan is filled with questions. Does Lil Ben know who Sayid is? Does he somehow find out that he will meet this man again in the futute? What does Lil Ben know? What does Big Ben know for that matter? The man is a goshdarn mystery wrapped in riddle.

One last thing before we end this week’s long blog…Farday keeps mentioning the fact that they can’t change anything…that despite them going back in time, they cannot alter future events. This make us Lost Boys wonder what kind of repercussions their being in 1977 is having on the future. What we are trying to say here is that maybe they are not having any repercussions on the future because this is how it all played out the last time. Like Daniel says and like Eloise Hawking said to Desmond in Season 3, they can not change the future no matter what. In which case, this has all happened before, all of it: them going to the Island, them going back in time. Maybe they were always meant to go back in time. Maybe this happened the last time, the last life go-around.

Wrap your skulls around that crap.

By they way, the Lost Boys have just learned that the title of the last two episodes of this season will be “The Incident”, parts one and two.

Holy Shhhhh!

End?

Questions/Answers for The Lost Boys? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

Eastbound & Down - 7 Dirty Quotes This Week

7 Dirty Quotes that will make you want to watch Eastbound & Down.

1) "I can feel it in my plums. They are turning a blueish hue. I'm going to take them to the farmer's market."
2) "You're as strong as a ox!"
3) "While I was making love to my wife, my son came in. My wife told him to get out. I told her no. Let him watch."
4) "Pre-mature ejaculator!"
5) "F&ck. My p&ssy itches."
6) "That's my thing. D&ck slappin is my thing."
7) "That's when I came in my pants."

It's really as bad as you think. Awesome.
Disclaimer:Quotes are close enough.

Questions/Comments/Want to tell us to f-off? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/16

The New York Post reported today that Candy Spelling is eager to get her book out ahead of daughter Tori Spelling’s book. Candy has moved her publication date up two weeks, from April 14 to March 31, after catching wind that Tori’s book had been moved up to the April date.

Nice. An ol-fashioned, mother-daughter book-off. The only rules are, there are no rules.

In an interview that aired today on “GMA,” Levi Johnston said he needs time to mature before getting married. “It’s just us not – me not – being mature enough,” Johnston said. The teen didn’t rule out a reunion with ex Bristol Palin, saying, “we’ll see what happens.”

Can you imagine having to give your ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech on GMA?

The Daily News reports that Freida Pinto is in talks to play the next “Bond” girl.

I’m sick of this one already. Can we skip the ‘build her up’ part of her career and go straight to tearing her down?

The LANALOGUE: (Real)ly Quick News Week of 3/9

From The Really Bad Actor's Guild ... Here is The LANALOGUE: (Real)ly Quick News.
Extra special thanks to:
Suzanne Friedman - Genius Editing
Nick Furci - Genius Actor
Richard Lippold - Genius Actor
Candace Tischer - Genius Actor

Enjoy.
You can also check us out on funnyordie.com/lanalogue


Love it/Hate it/Want to be in one? Email us lanalogue@gmail.com

The Celebrity Apprentice Pics

Joan Rivers selling cupcakes on the Celebrity Apprentice.

Chloe Kardashian and LANALOGGER Kevin Haas.

HerOeD (posted by nick)

Shades of Gray

“Flight, or invisibility… do you throw caution to the wind and fly off to save the day, or do you take the more calculated approach, and learn the whole picture before you act?” Uhhh duh dude, invisibility, it’s the ultimate power of a perv. Thankfully, after being six episodes deep into “Fugitives”, Heroes has returned to form, and while according to the Nielson Ratings everyone was watching a bunch of weirdos dance, Heroes had a good episode, finally.

Beginning with Eric “The Puppet Master” Doyle in all his creepy-man glory, he’d been sent to Claire with the hopes that she could look past him kidnapping both of her mothers and to lend him a hand in escaping the government. While it was obvious she would deny him only to negate her decision in the end, it was all just to demonstrate her dedication to being the hero. Doyle used his puppeteer trick on the hottest government agent in the world and then Claire came to his rescue, a favor he will likely return in the near future.

Danko (The Hunter) setting up Parkman was presented in a choppy scenario. It felt very “what does this prove if the general public does not know Parkman has an ability, or that abilities even exist?” but due to the way it was executed, the reasoning behind this was easy to disregard. I enjoyed Danko authorizing the detonation while Nathan was speaking with Parkman, in a casual “whatever, let him die a hero” kind of way. The use of Parkman’s ability (getting inside a bomb techs head) to diffuse the bomb was a very cool twist that actually surprised me, but in the end this entire scenario resulted in nothing, Nathan walked out alive and Parkman went back into government custody. Danko confronting Nathan was inevitable and while it was nothing to gasp about, the events that occurred afterward were very interesting. We find out Tracy Strauss (who has been worthless this volume) had seen a message from REBEL “Help Is Coming, Have Hope”. This allowed her to place her faith back in Nathan and lie to keep his secret safe, Danko - strike one. We viewers are then treated to a lovely dinner with Angela Petrelli, who acted like a stuck-up rich bitch and was hilarious as she completely undermined Danko, Danko - strike two. Danko did not strike out though because that window shootout scene was awesome and was the best way to expose Nathan.

I must say I had been mulling over how this Sylar meeting his father would play out but in the end I think it was executed perfectly. It wasn’t over-done, it didn’t change Sylar’s dynamics, and it wasn’t a let down, so to me that ’s fantastic. Let’s all hope the writers will finally leave Sylar’s past in the past. John Glover (Lex Luther’s father on Smallville) was a brilliant choice. “You abandoned me and killed my mother” “Soooo… what now?” Glover’s cadence to his voice, arrogant and strained made him the only person cool enough to be Sylar’s father. Sylar’s father having the same ability was no surprise but his chat with his son was the perfect pep talk to have him get off his ass and be the Hero/Villain we need. I do believe Sylar’s father will return, you don’t cast John Glover and only use him once.

In the end the episode was good and left us with much to ponder for two weeks when Heroes returns with the episode NBC previews are claiming to be a classic. Sylar is in Danko’s apartment but I doubt he will kill him just yet and Hiro and Ando are rescuing Parkman’s son, the one that he never had until now. From what I remember, Parkman’s ex-wife Janice was a whore and had that kid with Parkman’s old cop partner, but its not like this would be the first time Heroes re-invents what they’ve invented.

Overall 7.8 outta 10

Questions/Comments/Want to date Nick? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

People That Are Lame (posted by Thayer Fox)

If I was twelve, I think the thing I’d need most is a lecture from a man wearing a French cut shirt tucked into cargo pants. In Newark New Jersey. At a boxing match. While he was wasted.

This is what this man offers: Advice to twelve year olds who are unfortunate enough to have to sit next to him. They come hoping to see their heroes (ok that’s a stretch since this is welter weight boxing, but keep with me) and they get this guy. What do you got in those pockets guy? Cargo? Also, Catholic high schoolers called and they want their facial hair back. Zing.

Did I mention he rolled solo to the event? Because he did. He went solo and he sat next to these poor innocent children and yammered on about the facts of life. Until he was asked to leave. Which he is doing in this photo. But not before making a poignant remark.

Is Wasted Cargo Guy lame or is Thayer lame for saying WCG is lame? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/10

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning a camping trip across the U.S. They’ll be accompanied by a religious advisor from the Church of Scientology and a security team.

Can you see a security team used to dealing with stalkers and paparazzi scattering like cockroaches when a bear wanders into the KOA site?

The Daily News has a photo of Cristiane Regina da Silva, mom of Madonna’s boyfriend Jesus Luz, in Rio de Janeiro.

Poor kid’s a publicity stunt chosen because his name is Jesus and Madonna wants to ‘shock’ us all with her older woman/younger man thing and throw in some implied biblical incest for flavor.

Meghan McCain bashed Ann Coulter in her regular column on thedailybeast.com yesterday, calling her “offensive, radical, insulting and confusing” and said, “watching her is sometimes like watching a train wreck.”

Oh Meghan. That’s just what she wanted you to do. You see the more people that hate her, the more the people that hate those people go out and buy her books. It’s pretty genius actually.

Marianna Faithfull has ended her friendship with model Kate Moss. “She wanted to read me like a Braille book. And she did. It’s a vampirical thing,” Faithfull says sourly.

I don’t know what this means but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with drugs.

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/9

Rihanna is slowly returning to work, her producer, Adonis Shropshire, tells HipHollywood.com. The singer has been ducking in and out of studios to work on some tracks and so far “it’s coming out good.”

How do you name your kid Adonis and not wonder if he’s going to turn out ugly?

Six-months pregnant Kelly Rutherford is having a girl, the actress told the Daily News at “Modern Brides” Project Bridesmaids event.

Project Bridesmaids? What, are they competing to make the ugliest dress?

Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson have been booked to perform on “American Idol” this week. Both will belt out tunes from their latest albums on Wednesday's elimination show.

I love it when writers get a new Thesaurus and look up ‘sing songs’

Oprah Winfrey announced Friday that she will dedicate one of her shows this week to discussing domestic violence. “I want to do a show about it, dedicated to all the Rihannas of the world,” she said. Speaking directly into the camera, Winfrey said, “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again.”

I truly believe Oprah beats Stedman.

It didn’t take long for Martha Stewart to get over the loss of her new chow puppy, Genghis Kahn. An hour after she was on Twitter talking about its tragic death at the breeder’s boarding facility, the domestic diva returned to Twitter to gush about the Chinese food she was cooking for guests.

Chinese food? Dead puppy? I’m just asking.

Reality Bites Week of 3/9 (posted by jill b)

The Bachelor

LANALOGGER Annie Toal writes

"Dear Jilly B, Excellent review of the Bachelor. And impressed you watched all two hours from iTunes. Jason is an a** - so pathetic. And poor Ty, I think he's going to have some serious issues. I find it hard to believe that it could have been a shock to the producers and was actually legit. I heard that Melissa and Molly were actually scheming on the show and were part of it. Sounds a bit nuts....but the whole show has taken a bit of a nutty path so anything is plausible! Its still got me hooked though!"

LANALOGGER Breda Kellner agrees

"I mean, what a loooooser he is. He seemed so cool all season and then at the last minute he ...changes...his...mind?! what?? He should have gone with Gillian to begin with. She's the real winner."

We all know that Gillian is going to be the new Bachelorette. If you are interested in vying for her heart - check out the casting events or nominate someone you know http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/
It's not over yet - rumor has it that Melissa will be subbing for Nancy O'Dell on Dancing with the Stars . . . stay tuned . . . http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/03/08/source-bachelors-melissa-rycroft-to-join-dancing-with-the-stars/

High School Reunion

I started watching this and it is about 3 episodes in so far. There is a couple who was high school sweethearts but are now divorced - and seem to be using "hall passes" to make each other jealous. I'm sure they will be back together by the end. The best part is Denis - who seems to be channel Ben Affleck from Dazed and Confused - who is continuing to harass and bully everyone like he did in high school. He was just brought in for drama and to stir the pot - he wasn't even in the class of '88. The house is deciding whether to throw him out.

Sober House

Nikki singing was boring - but seeing Steven play was pretty cool. Too bad they found out he was high. Mary clearly has battered wife syndrome from David - will she be able to break up with the manager/boyfriend? My bets are that she is his gravy train (pimping her out at Swingfest was a big hint) and he isn't going to go away quietly.

Real Housewives of New York

Watching Simon get a body treatment was gross. This is the kind of thing that needs a warning before it airs - elw! The Countess lost her cool - which was refreshing since she is always on her high horse looking down on everyone else. I like Jill - not just because we have the same name but because she tells it like it is. She knows she is a spoiled and appreciates that she gets to live this lavish life - but is still "real" enough to give her friends pretty blunt advice.

Questions for Jill B? Want to see your name in lights? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

Rock of Love Bus 3/8 - Oh Mother!

With Rock of Love Bus being as multi-layered as it is, it should come as no surprise that in last night's episode, we found out some shocking revelations. Four out of the 7 remaining contestants/actresses/prostitutes/strippers have kids. Ashleigh. Brittania. Taya. Beverly. As they revealed this shocking revelation, I start to freak out. Chris looks at me like I'm crazy and calmly asks

"You're actually surprised by this?"

Why yes Chris, I am and let me tell you why:

1) Some of the girls may have eating disorders. These ladies don't look like they have ever had a snap pea in their stomachs, let alone a human being.

2) They are not the brightest. Britannia is a mom and I'll bet she doesn't know how to spell mom.

3) They may have drinking problems. Beverly houses a bottle of vodka and then ruins all the fun by getting all "angry drunk", instead of all super slutty drunk, like the other girls. However, she does make the most valid point of the whole season, when she asks "Bret has been doing this for over 20 years, when is he going to get over it? I thought he was looking for something different." Oh Beverly.

4) They are a little slutty and not the best role models. In one night they:

- a) Milwaukee Triple Kissed Bret (Asheigh & Brittania)

- b) Straddled Bret half naked in front of everyone (Brittania)

- c) Left Bret on the beach to hook up with Farah (Ashleigh & Britannia)

- d) Dumped salsa into Mindy's suitcase (Ashleigh)

- e) Threw toiletries on and threatened to beat up Taya (Brittania & Ashleigh)

5) Ashleigh is good with kids. Although she "strips on the weekends", she says Monday-Friday, she is "a stay at home mom". This statement makes me want to rethink my current career path. There has got to be a market for twin skin and muffin tops.

BONUS: I think I was most disturbed by this episode not because I am a mom, but because at some point during the show, Chris asked

"What would you do if you found out that your mom did a show like this back in the day?"

Think about it (for further insight into my mom - check out my Stand-up on the right).

Want to see your name in lights? Send your questions/comments about Rock of Love? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/6

Chris Brown briefly appeared in court Thursday, hours after he was charged with two felonies - assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats - stemming from his fight with Rihanna. Brown did not enter a plea and his formal arraignment was moved to April 6. The pop star’s mother sat behind the defense table and cried. Meanwhile, today’s Post and Daily News reveal chilling, detailed accounts of Rihanna’s beatdown.

I never thought the day would come when a legitimate news outlet actually used the term "beatdown" in earnest.

“Dancing With the Stars” has lost two celebrity contestants just days before Season 8 is set to begin. Jewel has fractured tibias in both legs and Nancy O’Dell has two knee cartilage tears. Executive producer Conrad Green says no replacements will be revealed until Monday’s premiere. Rumor has it Playboy’s Holly Madison is joining the cast.

They’re still working out which of the now partnerless men to hook her up with, Chris Brown or the ghost of Ike Turner.

Pete Wentz had so much fun composing a lullaby for his son, which appears as a hidden track on Fall Out Boy’s latest album, that he plans on making an album of songs for children.

Why do bands continue to do ‘hidden tracks?’ First of all, they’re not hidden, they’re right past the empty space in the last song of the album just like everyone else’s. And second, you’re amazingly creative idea for a hidden track hasn’t excited anyone since Pearl Jam was around, now it just pisses people off because it fucks with their shuffles.

Emma Roberts slams the Jonas Brothers in her Teen Vogue cover story, calling them “a little tainted.” “I used to have a crush on Nick [Jonas], but he’s kind of making his rounds in Hollywood, and I don’t know if I like that,” the actress tells the magazine.

“Just wait till “Hotel for Dogs 2” gets shelved and guys “making the rounds in Hollywood” won’t seem so bad.

Lucy Liu is tapping into her artistic side and, under the pseudonym Yu Ling, has painted a large acrylic portrait of two people kissing. The Eli Klein Fine Art Gallery is selling the work for $28,000.

A pseudonym made pointless with this information.

Hundreds of fans lined up outside a Barnes & Noble in NYC yesterday to meet Miley Cyrus. The line stretched around the block, 12 hours before Cyrus started signing copies of her memoir.

When are you too young to write a memoir? I’m asking, seriously.

Lindsay Lohan may cover a Britney Spears track on her upcoming album.

I’m pretty sure this is the cosmic equivalent of McFly meeting himself in the past and causing some disturbance in the time-space continuum resulting in all of us disappearing.

Candy Spelling wants off daughter Tori Spelling’s reality media wave. “It’s fine if Tori wants her own reality show or wants to write books about her childhood,” Candy writes in her new autobiography, “Stories From Candy-land.”

What is this a book title pun-off? Could someone please tie these two women’s hands together and give them each a switchblade for a “Beat It” video showdown and be done with it?

As T.I. counts down the days before he enters jail, the rapper will be in a Crown Heights, Brooklyn middle school on Monday to talk to kids about his missteps for his “Road to Redemption” MTV show.

I love these, ‘don’t do what I did’ talks stars give to kids. They actually serve the opposite of their intended purpose. Kind of like anti-smoking ads remind kids that it’s rebellious and cool to smoke precisely because they’re telling you not to. Or those drug addicts who come into high schools and say, “don’t do drugs, you might die.” And kids just look at them and say, “well you did drugs and you’re not dead. Plus, you got to do all those drugs.”

May Anderson and Jessica Stam are among many catwalkers who have illegally donated to Rep. Anthony Weiner’s mayoral campaign.

Is it irony when models support Weiners? I’m asking, seriously.

Questions/comments? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

The Lost Boys: w/ o.g.’s ry and rube, the newbies, bluv, stupid chris, mr. president b.o., charlie sheen, madeline albright, etc.

This episode, titled “LaFleur”, was absolutely hilarious. Rib-splitting! It was like a Monty Python version of Lost. O.G. Badboy Sawyer is now head of security for DHARMA! Daniel still has his tie on! Juliet is working on cars! Jin is now forming polysyllabic words!

It doesn’t get much better than that, does it? Actually, it does. This episode was money…for two reasons!

One. Richard Alpert is a badass. This dude just walks right into their DHARMA sleepawaycamp and rings the proverbial doorbell. We keep wondering what Richard knows. Does he know everything and is just playing dumb when he meets the likes of Sawyer and Locke? Or is he actually learning as he goes, just like us, the audience? Does Richard already know what is going to happen? Is he from ancient Eqypt?

Two. We did see the long awaited four-toed statue from the back…notice what he has in his hand it is the same thing Amy kept of Paul after he died. It is called the Ankh. There is definitely an Egyptian theme going on here. The statue was Egyptian; the hieroglyphs are everywhere; Alpert wears eyeliner (notice the appropriate usage of the semi-colons). The wormhole drops them in Tunisia. We think Tunisia was part of the old Eqyptian empire. And the leader of DHARMA is Horace. Horus was an Egyptian God.

Okay on to other news and burning questions. The time traveling has stopped. Now they are stuck in DHARMA era, 1970s. The record is playing again, they are just on a different song. A song by Rod Stewart. Or born-again-christian Bob Dylan. LaFleur saves Amy and he and Juliet end up killing two dudes, Other Others. For “LeFleur” killing The Other Others, justice and Alpert had it written to take Paul’s lifeless body to show Alpert’s people. Why? And why do they have to bury the bodies? DHARMA and the Other Others, the Hostiles, if you will, have a real Lords of the Flies thing going on here, the second and third acts. Who is Piggy? Hurley? Too obvious? Maybe. We’ve been waiting to make this particular literary reference since we started watching Lost in 1954. Also, they have been living in this DHARMA era for three years, building stronger ties with these people, stronger than that with their former-fellow-survivors. Sawyer only knew Kate for 108 days before she left; he’s now known Juliet for three full years (another great use of the semi-colon). Sawyer and Juliet living together! Holy sh*t! The Lost Boys would love to see a spin-off program with Sawyer and Juliet living together in Brooklyn. Do you think that little redhead girl was Charlotte? If so, there is something weird going on, because when they showed "her" it was 1974, but when Ben first meets her he proves he knows her by reciting facts about her, saying she was born in 1979, blah blah blah. One burning question we have is that the Ajira airline passengers seem to be in present time but it looks like all the original castaways—Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid--are in 1977, what’s up with that, yo? Cesar is in Ben's office in the Hydra station and such. We are not sure about Sun. She may have taken off in that outboard canoe with LAPIDUS! We know John and Ben are in the present as well, but why did they not go to 1977? Also, when we first met Horace Goodspeed he helped in the birth delivery of Ben with his then wife, Olivia. Where is Olivia? She was also Ben’s teacher. Is Amy before or after Olivia?

Who is the baby boy that Amy gave birth to?

Questions/hate mail for The Lost Boys? Send everything to lanalogue@gmail.com or Facebook me (sounds so good) and see your name in lights!

HerOeD (posted by nick)

Exposed

So “Exposed” was a steamy, filthy, worthless pile of trash. In all honesty, I feel violated by the writers and have been transported to the realm of a “hater” for this review. I believe my problem with the show’s direction is that I understand the real potential, which is not being tapped. Before I launch into my tirade, I will reinforce that even after being completely unsatisfied two weeks in a row, I still can’t wait to watch it Monday. I want it to be good, I want it to make sense, and I want to be entertained after a long crappy Monday. Two and a half years ago this was the best show on television. It had characters we loved and elements never used on TV; multiple superpowers which promised awesomeness. Fast-forward to today and “Exposed” is a perfect example of how these writers keep dropping the ball. Who cares about this lame guy Claire has in her closet. Why is it necessary to transform Claire’s mom from a normal mom into a person who can make fake IDs using her ironing board (I cringed at the stupidity in this, I’m not sure if the writers are aware that it’s no longer 1990 and that a driver’s license is insanely hard to replicate). Why make it so Claire’s mom is suddenly so aware of everything Mr. Bennet does, such as the secret stash hole in the closet. Did we forget that this is a woman who during the first season had her mind repeatedly modified to conceal all that Mr. Bennet was up to, the same Mr. Bennet who’s a master of espionage. Why was it necessary to create more awkward moments than the film adaptation of “Twilight” and have Claire make out with a character no one cares about? Why did the agents burst into the Bennet house, when Bennet is their boss, and Claire is off limits? Why didn’t the agents, who are after a boy who can breath underwater, think to thoroughly check the pool he was obviously hiding in?

Peter and Parkman break into Building 26… like butter. Isn’t this the top-secret building that’s protected by unlimited government funding? Why does Matt Parkman, the mind reader, have the power to paint the future? I mean, let us really think this over. Season One’s Isaac Mendez was actually a painter by trade, and could paint the future. He was a great character that viewers cared about and his death was monumental, at the time. His death now seems dumb, due to the writers reusing his ability so often, first in the random African dude, and now stupidly in Parkman the mind reader. It seems as if the writers regret killing Isaac and are desperately trying to hold onto the element he brought to the table. Speaking of great characters missing, what happened to the Haitian and Micah (Nikki’s son)? Micah, who’s ability is communicating with machines, such as having a traffic light change colors or how he made Nathan win the election in a landslide victory back in season one, is now my number one suspect as the identity of REBEL. If Micah, who could easily text Claire and hack Peter’s computer, isn’t REBEL than anyone else will be a let down, and Heroes should just hire me as a writer. With a government so dependant on surveillance, only Micah could easily get around their control. Another character who is missing is Peter, the original Peter. Peter could walk into a room and obtain anyone’s ability painlessly. He was the Ying to Sylar’s Yang. Due to losing his power because of his father, and then regaining it through the formula, apparently Peter is now a mere cloner, who can only hold one power at a time, and must physically touch the person to obtain the ability. That’s a big difference from being able to fly, while invisible, while shooting lightning projectiles and using telekinesis. Do these writers believe that they did something awesome there? 17 years ago when Superman died in the comics, he came back just as awesome, he didn’t come back as a lamer version of his former self.

“Exposed” is also credited as the first episode I actually couldn’t stand the Sylar storyline. I don’t even want him to meet his father anymore because it seems that they are taking this in yet another stupid direction. Sylar’s original back-story of desiring to be more than ordinary, and then getting greedy with powers, was fine. Then they twisted it a bit last volume with the whole “Elle pushed him to be evil”, which was hard to swallow but it went down. Now suddenly we have a flashback of Sylar watching his father slice his birthmother’s forehead open in the same Sylar fashion. LAME! Why can’t he just be the bad guy, why does he need explaining? We are now supposed to believe that he kills not because he wants power, not because of “the hunger”, not because of Elle, but because he has daddy issues? I would also appreciate it if Sylar’s weirdo kid sidekick disappeared very fast.

So you get it that I’m mad and I want a damn good episode Monday. I guess we get to see what happens when Claire is presented with a runaway who she already knows is a cold blooded killer and deserves to be caught by the government. The Puppet Master was a cool addition during “Villains” so next week has a chance at a better storyline; lets just hope it doesn’t involve Claire, her mom and their kitchen. At least we know that the Bryan Fuller written episodes start soon and hopefully fix the end of this season, as well as that as of March 5th, NBC has ordered Season 4 for September.

Overall 5 outta 10 (4 of the points are basically automatic because I’m a weekly fan)

Questions/hate mail for Nick? Send everything to lanalogue@gmail.com or Facebook me (sounds so good) and see your name in lights!

It's News: but not for mensa members 3/5

The Daily News has a photo of newlywed Tom Brady shirtless as he relaxes in California.
Given the babes this guy balls, call me when you’ve got a shot of him bottomless.

Chris Brown tipped off paparazzi that he and Rihanna were hiding out in Sean “Diddy” Combs’ Florida mansion believing his career will be saved if it’s out there that she took him back. Meanwhile, as Brown heads to court today, reports have surfaced that Rihanna has told cops she refuses to help them build a case against him.
I guess he should have hit her harder and knocked a little sense into her.

Elizabeth Taylor, inspired by President Barack Obama's call for Americans to "reach across the aisle" of political and ideological divide, has donated $100,000 to the Alliance for Christian Education. In a statement, Taylor -- who is Jewish -- says she chose to underwrite the Christian-initiated education effort "because our new president challenged us to break down barriers that divide us."
The Alliance then quickly handed the money over to Mel Gibson for his next film project.

Kirk Douglas’ one-man show, “Before I Forget,” opens tomorrow at the Kirk Douglas Theatre in L.A.
But after "I can even understand what you’re saying?" Thanks?

London man Karl Bishop has been sentenced to life in prison for the murder of "Harry Potter" actor Rob Knox. Knox played the part of Marcus Belby.
You know there was at least one a-hole at this trial wearing a wizard hat.

A judge in Atlanta has dismissed felony drug charges against rapper Lil Wayne. The Grammy-award winning rapper, whose real name is Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. still faces drug charges in Arizona, stemming from a January 2008 arrest, and a weapons charge from 2007 in New York.
Well that sucks for album sales.

Charla Nash, the Connecticut woman mauled by a chimp a few weeks ago, lost her hands, nose, lips, eyelids, and may be blind and suffering brain damage – and hospital officials at the Cleveland Clinic say it’s unclear if her condition can improve at all.
I’m not trying to be insensitive, but how’d she lose her hands?

Chris Brown & Rihanna - Was the Anonymous Mom Right?

Every news outlet in America is posting that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together (heard first on http://www.people.com/). People are going crazy over the news. It was reported by the Daily News today, that Usher says he’s “disappointed” to see photos of Chris Brown relaxing in Miami when he was supposed to be reconciling with Rihanna.

“Come on, Chris, have a little remorse man…The man’s on Jet Skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?”

Right after that news broke, Usher apologized this AM for saying it. Why is Usher apologizing to Chris Brown? Why is Chris Brown back in the picture? Why is he not afraid? Why is Rihanna back with him?

We all have these questions, yet, no answers. Thus leading me to my two conspiracy theories:

1) Someone very powerful has a huge investment in Chris Brown and needs to make this whole thing go away. Why else would Usher quickly retract his statement? It's all about the Benjamins.

2) Our Anonymous LANALOGGER's Mom was right last week:

"My mom heard in the nail salon on Saturday that the night Rihanna got beat up Chris Brown had another girlfriend with him and the girlfriend was the phone who beat up Rihanna."

How much sense does #2 make? Ummm ... a lot. Think about it - if it was another girl that beat up Rihanna, wouldn't that explain why everyone, including Rihanna, was letting Chris Brown back in?

Thoughts? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com to see your name in lights.