SIGHTINGS BY LANALOGGERS - Jennifer Aniston

LANALOGGER Julia Quigley Bender writes

"Hope this makes the LANALOGUE. The other morning, the movie "The Baster" was filming outside my house, literally. This picture was taken by my husband from our living room window. The best is the email exchange that occurred before he sent me the picture:
husband: I had coffee with Jennifer Aniston today. she makes her own.
me: Really? I had a lengthy conversation with Jason Bateman, he liked my bag. (note - that's a total lie, i thought my husband was being a jerk)
husband: whatever dude. She was getting her own coffee and then sitting on the steps across the street from us. Needless to say we didn't talk much.
me: I didn’t realize you were such a Jen fan. Kinda makes me sad.
Then we went on to discuss what we planned to have for lunch, which is much less interesting."

I love when other couples get into tiffs over celebs. It makes me feel normal. Do you fight with your significant other over celebs? We want to know. Email us lanalogue@gmail.com

The Bachelorette: Will You Watch?

I can't believe this show is still on the air. Will you watch it on Monday? LANALOGGER Rachel Niles write

"yes, i'm a total cheeseball... and the last one angered me soooo much. but i can't stay away. masochist thru and thru..."

Kinda like me with the Hills. LANALOGGER Rachael Honowitz writes

"Totally, only because I know one of the guys on the show...."

Oh Shiz! You can't just write that and not share. Come on now. The new one starts this Monday. Should Rachael give us the deets behind the show? Yes? I couldn't agree more.

The Hills: It Sucks

For the love of Christ. This show just sucks my Armpit. 7 Reasons Why:

1. The acting is terrible. For example. it gives me less credibility as a human being when I am watching the show and Chris walks in during a scene like the one where Stephanie "I am on drugs all the time" Pratt "forgets to pack boxes for Lauren" and everyone acts shocked.
2. Lo's fake job and even more fake reaction when Stephanie "forgets to pack the boxes".
3. Justin Bobby & Audrina - I mean still with this sh&t? Get her a new boyfriend for godsakes.
4. We had to listen to Audrina on the phone with Justin, instead of being able to hear The Script.
5. Are the writer's on vacation? Why are they making such a big deal about firing Stephanie? Lauren should have walked out of her meeting with Kelly Cutrone and said to Stephanie "Kelly just told me to fire you. Sorry. Bye."
6. Again. Why would anyone as good looking as Stacy waste her time with Spencer. It's so unrealistic even the writer's don't believe it.
7. Lauren needs to get laid.

You can also check out my rantings (this time it will really be up there) about The Hills on http://www.thecriticalcondition.com/2009/05/13/hills/

The Hills Pros & Cons List

Should I still watch it? You be the judge. Check out my list on http://www.thecriticalcondition.com/2009/05/13/hills/

I Love Money 2: Reunion

I really got depressed watching the I Love Money 2 Reunion for the following reasons:

1. There were no male or female catfights
2. Frank and Buckwild were holding hands, but no one addressed their "I Get Grossed Out Thinking About Them Having Sex" Relationship
3. Poor Prancer wasn't even acknowledged. She had a new hair-do and everything!
4. Where was Saaphyri? I heard jail - how is THAT not addressed?
   
5. So ... is It smart or not?

**BONUS**: I was so bummed when I watched Frank and Heat desperately pitch their shows to whoever they thought were watching, because it reminded me so much of me and Uncle Donny.

Am I right? Email us lanalogue@gmail.com

Heidi Montag Poll Results

LANALOGGER Sharon Rose Miller writes

"As a Christian, I think this is God's will. Praise be to Jesus!"

Yesterday I took a POLL: Heidi Montag is going to be in the July issue of Playboy - shocked or duh?

Almost every LANALOGGER responded DUH.

Kristy Koenig - DUH!!!

Neahle Jones - Duh ... LOL! Who didn't see that one coming.
Christina Lazopoulos Warnick - Duh. After her video romp in a bikini, this is a step UP.
Jaime Cohen - Duh...but she's disgusting. Is any part of her actually real?

I love seeing the word "Duh" so many times. It's funny.
Anyway, I would have to agree with Jaime. While I don't necessarily find her disgusting, I think she is a droid. Spencer has literally turned her into a Stepford Wife. The question should have been - Is she alive or is she a droid? However, she does look like the perfect Playboy model. It's as if Hugh built her himself (I'm kinda jealous). LANALOGGER Michelle Behler Sukanick writes

"I hope she wears the surgical mask from her honeymoon"

That's actually kind of hot. More thoughts on Heidi & Spencer? Email us lanalogue@gmail.com.

Twitter Soup - Heidi Montag

Latest Tweets from Heidi Montag ...

I pray you all have the best mondays of your lives!!! You only live once and life is so short God bless about 4 hours ago

Good night God bless you all! Thank you Jesus for another day of life xoxo about 4 hours ago

Do you think Jesus will approve of Heidi's topless photos in the upcoming July issue of Playboy? I guess it's okay as long as you didn't have pre-martial sex ... oh wait ...

Is Heidi Montag going to heaven of hell? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com

7 Wonders of The Week

1. Keifer Sutherland still unable to get his drinking under control in pubic.
2. Dina Lohan still claiming she is a good mom.
3. What the hell did Kirstie Alley eat?
4. The fact that anyone would hook up with Jon Gosselin.
5. People actually think that Amy Winehouse is going to show up for her performance in St. Lucia and bought tickets.
6. SJP and Matthew Broderick are still acting as if they are a straight married couple.
7. I'm kind of excited for the Lily and Rufus 1980s version of Gossip Girl next week.

The Lost Boys with Ryan and Ruben and Vernon/Justin

“Because you haven’t written it yet.”

-Jack Shepard

This week’s eppy, entitled “Follow The Leader,” was like a murder mystery! The only logical step we have to take is that something happens and something else happens. That is all we could come up with this week…that is all we can gather from Lost in general. This episode was a power struggle…between Richard, and Ben, and Locke…and between Widdmore and Eloise and Richard…and Horace and Radzinski and Sawyer. There are those who want to change things and then there are those who want things to stay the way they are. And then there is John Locke. And then there is Richard Alpert.

This was a Richard Alpert-centric episode! We see Dick in twenty-six timelines within this one episode…let alone the last four seasons, the Lost Universe. He’s had his job for a very long time, but what is his job? Is he like Robert Duvall in The Godfather?

And thus, John Locke! Who is Locke? The darkness ate him up. Ben killed him. He is resurrected. The Spirit is not a quantity and it is opposed to all quantitative measurements and conceptions. What lies in the shadow of the statue? Has Locke solved this riddle by dying? What is Locke? Did he die and achieve some sort of Christ Consciousness? If the Island made Ben Linus who he is by saving him, did the Island make Locke who he is now by bring him back from the dead? Does he really want to kill Jacob? Who knew Jacob could be killed and why does Richard say Locke is gonna be trouble? Ruben thinks Locke is an alien, or the Smoke Monster, or Jesus. He and Justin keep referring to Locke as Jesus. That is how we came up with the Christ Consciousness stuff.

Did we mention we hate Radzinski? Well, we do. Sawyer needs to kill that dude…and Phil, for punching Juliet.

The theme of this blog is ellipses, and…confusion? Daniel’s dead and now Jack is going to detonate a hydrogen bomb? What?!? And! How are they going to wrap up all of our crazy questions? There is only two hours and one season left of Lost. And there are a million old questions and a couple hundred new questions…with random answers interspersed throughout the years…but will they ever tell us the answers to such minor but tingling inquiries, such as why was Libby in Hurley’s asylum?

And another thing! If there is no insignificant dialogue in the Lost Universe, then what did Jack mean when he came up in the temple tunnels from swimming under the lake? He said, “That was further than I thought it was.” Just when we thought the answers would come flowing or pouring in, we are thrown a varitable curve ball, with this mind-bender eppy. Locke is nutso! Richard is clueless! Farraday is definitely dead! And Jack is bomb-crazy. And Kate is bitching up! And Miles forgives his dad. Yay! Oh! And…Man-o-man, can Sawyer ever take a beating!!!

Our new wayward friend, Justin, thinks that in this season’s finale everyone dies! Everyone. Justin greased his hair like Edgar from O’ Brother Where Art Thou?. He says he is not Justin. “I am Vernon, remember?” We have to admit, that would be a great season ender.

We also have to admit that Justin/Vernon is as crazy as Ruben. I don’t know what these two will do with themselves once this show ends. Ryan isn’t completely sane either. He thinks Jack is the one to which this eppy’s title refers. Follow the leader. He still thinks Jack is Jacob. Ask him about his theory of how Jack is Jacob.

Moving on…

So…Sawyer and Juliet in real-world 70’s-era; Jack and Sayid setting off a bomb; Locke trying to kill the one deity…it all leads to…something. Something happens and then something else happens. That is all we can say for sure about this program.

We can’t believe Locke wants to “kill Jacob”! Who knew he could be killed? We didn’t.

We are scared…and confused. Like little girls about to go on their first date with the popular boy.

Like the thesis statement of this blog, one thing leading to another thing, we think Jack is directly at fault for…everything. The Lost Boys and our new friend Vernon/Justin think that in next week’s two-eppy ender, the audience will come to learn that Jack is directly responsible for everything: the Swan station, the Incident, The Button (every 108 minutes), Oceanic 815 crashing…Jack is responsible for all that misery. What an amazing television-twist that would be! Wow, the main hero is the main cause of the drama. The protagonist is the antagonist. Afterall, Lost is indeed all about sinning and redemption, and cause and effect, and something happening leading to something else happening.

P.S. We heard amongst the Lost grapevine that we are going to see Jacob next week. Will Ryan be right? Will Ruben come out of the closet? Will Vernon/Justin die?

Three Songs You Need to Hear This Week: Summer Anthem Edition (By MARK BLANKENSHIP)

It's almost June, and we'll soon be looking for the perfect summer anthem. Fortunately, we've already got a few contenders for the crown. Take a listen to these...

(1) "Rock and Roll" by Eric Hutchinson --- Okay, so technically this song has been around since late 2008, but it's just catching on now. Like everything else on his ludicrously enjoyable album Sounds Like This, "Rock and Roll" has an effortless, Elton-John-meets-mid-career-Rolling-Stones vibe that makes it impossible not to tap your foot. Think of Hutchinson as Jason Mraz (of "I'm Yours" fame) with a bit more edge, and then go buy his album. I swear, every song is killer.

(2) "Fire Burning" by Sean Kingston --- A few years ago, pop-reggae performer Sean Kingston released "Beautiful Girls," one of my least favorite songs of the decade. Really, it's one of my ten most-hated songs of all time. But never say I hold a grudge, because I have capitulated to the trance-dance beats of Kingston's new single, "Fire Burning." The title refers to a woman who's burning up the dance floor, which is the perfect subject for a summer anthem, and thanks to the track's thumping rhythm, you may not be able to stay off the floor yourself.

(3) "Dead Flowers" by Miranda Lambert --- Because every summer needs at least one song for rainy days and lonely nights, I'm presenting this gem from country singer-songwriter Miranda Lambert as the anti-anthem of the season. With some of the best lyrics of the year---about a woman so devastated by her failing relationship that everything she sees looks gray---and a sweeping instrumental track that builds to a serious drum explosion, this is a unique and captivating hit. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Miranda Lambert is the Merle Haggard of contemporary country. She refuses to be polite, which results in rough-edged, bare-hearted music that always leaves a mark.

For awesome reviews of movies, music, and TV, please join me at The Critical Condition www.thecriticalcondition.com

7 Reasons Why The Hills Sucked My Armpit This Week

1) Would you ever continue to show up places and stand right next the psycho path who's boyfriend you just slept with? 

2) Brody went from top dog, 7 hour monologue speech giver to pu$$y whipped mute idiot in one episode. 

3) All of Jade's friends had her back and as usual, The Hills chicks are staring from across the room, pretending they don't know the friend that is getting yelled at. 

4) I didn't think it was possible, but Jade's friends, who acted like they were from Jersey, probably embarrassed Jersey. 

5) Does anyone even drink Jaagermeister anymore, let alone chug it from a bottle? 

6) Stacy and her friends, got up, sat with Heidi and company - said "Hi Guys!", fought with them and then said "Nice meeting you!" and left. 

7) Jade is a playmate. Really? 

You can also check out my rantings about The Hills on www.thecriticalcondition.com

SIGHTINGS BY LANALOGGERS - Deanna from The Bachelor/Bachelorette

LANALOGGER Erin Daugherty writes

"In case anyone knows of Deanna from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette history, she called out “play ball” to start the Braves game last night. Now that wouldn’t seem to be a very difficult task, but she didn’t do a great job….she just kinda mumbled it quickly. Anyway, she was standing right in front of me so I took this pic w/my Blackberry (zoomed in).

Incidentally, I was at the game with three guys I work with and you should have heard me trying to give them the explanation of who Deanna is, “Well, she was on The Bachelor but Brad didn’t pick her - he actually didn’t pick anyone! - then she was the Bachelorette and she picked Jesse and got engaged to him, but then dumped him. The guy she DIDN’T pick was Jason, and he was the last Bachelor and he picked Melissa Rycroft and then dumped her and now she’s a shining star on Dancing With The Stars! Oh, and apparently Deanna is dating Ace from the Real World, who is a part-owner of a bar in Midtown.”

Did any of the guys try and make out with you to get you to stop explaining? PS-Deanna's expression looks like someone who just mumbled "Play Ball" in front of thousands of people.

It's News: but not for mensa members 5/5

Rihanna is back with an old beau, 24-year-old Negus Sealy, who she dated before she made it big. The songstress and Sealy, dubbed the “Love God” by girls, were recently photographed holding hands on the beach in Barbados.

It sounds cool, but I’d hate to be hearing about that one from my buddies for the rest of my life

Texas native Jessica Simpson tells Vanity Fair she’s more passionate than ever about Dallas Cowboys football thanks to boyfriend Tony Romo and admits that before games she sends crazed mass emails asking friends to pray for Romo’s protection.

Imagine if you could pray for pass protection? The Saints would have one of the most explosive offenses in football! I think I’m going to start texting my friends to pray for Eli Manning’s protection.

John Mayer has called off his fling with Scheana Marie after the former Hawaiian Tropic model went public about their hookup Friday, telling YoungHollywood.com, “I love his personality…He can be, like, a dork.”

And you can be, like, a quick, hot, dirty hook-up.

Megan Fox shows off her “King Lear”-inspired tattoo in the upcoming issue of Elle and tells the magazine that she prefers “men.”

Do stars have to come out as straight now or something?

The holy trinity of supermodels – Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista – will all be absent from the MET Costume Institute gala tonight.

Holy Trinity of Supermodels? Really? Somebody tried a little too hard to make their story sound more important than it was.

Pink’s rep says quotes the singer reportedly gave to News Of The World about being bisexual are “entirely fabricated.”

Hey Pink, if you’re looking to get another dude after what’s his motorcycle, you might want to just let this one circulate quietly. I’m not saying go around claiming it’s true, just don’t say it isn’t. Trust me on this one.

Friends of Bristol Palin say she’s emotionally blackmailing Levi Johnston by threatening to take son Tripp away from him.

Come on, what are you a child? Oh.

Slash has been blogging on his MySpace page about mentoring the remaining “American Idol” contestants for this week’s rock theme. “Those AI kids can sing their asses off, especially Adam, “ the rocker wrote after Saturday’s mentoring session.

There’s something about Slash ‘blogging on his MySpace page’ that’s really disappointing. Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic for old school rockers who thought self-promotion was some sort of perverted sex act.

The NY Posy reports that "Vanessa Minnillo was just shot down for a role on 'Melrose Place' ".

Perfectly written gossip blurb. Thank you. Finally.

Former “Extra” TV host Mark McGrath is staging a comeback with his band, Sugar Ray. The group’s new album, “Music for Cougars,” is due out July 21 and is being released by an indie label because all the major labels have passed.

Tad ashamed to admit I own two Sugar Ray albums, which I believe also qualifies as both. Guess I gotta get this one and then somehow end up explaining to my mother-in-law who will happen to see it laying on the kitchen table what a ‘cougar’ is.

John Wayne Bobbitt and Lorena Bobbitt face off for the first time in 16 years on “The Insider” tonight.

The Insider? I thought you were gonna say MMA Extreme Cage Fighting match. I’d have settled for a boxing match with those huge harmless gloves. Hell, I’d watch these two go at it in those party rental Sumo suits for a laugh. The Insider? That’s probably the biggest let down since they moronically dismissed the cute little kid and his hot mom story line from Friday Night Lights. And you country pumpkins pick now to pit these two? The idea of 15 minutes of fame is that it’s meant to last 15 minutes. I think 16 years is a tad over the statute of limitations.

The 1989 movie "Parenthood" is going to made into an NBC TV series, according to network sources.

“Let’s see, we’ve pilfered the 70’s for ironic nostalgia, what the hell are we going to do now? Come on everybody, think!”

Next week the NRA will gift Sarah Palin with the “Alaskan Hunter,” a military-style assault weapon, to thank her for standing up for gun rights. Palin’s name will be engraved on the weapon.

When are you NRA morons going to learn? First you let a senile old man start preaching gun rights just after a school full of children gets shot at in CO and now this? Who’s you’re PR rep miss South Carolina? The more you pull these stunts the more you piss off the gun Nazis which is exactly what you’re trying to do which is exactly the kind of thing that may one day end up taking away your precious ‘Alaskan Hunter’ military style assault rifles. Give the broad one of those old school civil war guns that nobody’s afraid of because you sit there saying to yourself, ‘all I gotta do is rush this guy before he can jam that stick down the barrel and pour that shi*t from the horn into the thing.’ Then the gun control guys start to think, ‘oh, those gun guys are kinda nice and cute’ and they leave you alone. Then you can go remove all the sport from killing a thousand pound animal with a highly overpowered (military mind you) moose mauling personal cannon all you want.

Leona Helmsley’s Park Lane hotel penthouse, which she called home, is now being offered for rent to anyone who can pay $7,000 a night.

Technically I “can” pay that. So do I get the room?

Would you buy Sugar Ray's new album? Email us at lanalogue@gmail.com with comments.

It's News: but not for mensa members 5/1

The NY Post reports that Kirstie Alley apologized yesterday on “Oprah” for packing on weight again and letting people down. Alley said the trouble started again when Valerie Bertinelli replaced her as spokesperson for Jenny Craig, telling Winfrey, “I do better when I have some pressure on me.” Alley also admitted she nearly “died” when she saw Bertinelli on the cover of People wearing a bikini. “It was like I was married to someone and they left me…But it inspired me.”

Wait. You were married to a fat Valerie Bertinelli?

The NY Post reposts that Lindsay Lohan’s ex, Harry Morton, is ashamed he dated the actress three years ago. At first Morton denied dating Lohan to Inked magazine, saying, “I didn’t really date her…I really didn’t.” But then he owned up and said it’s “embarrassing being known for that.”
Hey Harry. You shouldn't be too embarrassed, I didn't know who the hell you were before this blurb.

Seven-months pregnant rapper Kelis has filed for divorce from husband Nas.
Kelis is a girl?

The Daily News says that First Lady Michelle Obama took “casual dress to a haute new level” yesterday sporting $540 sneakers made by French design house Lanvin.

Joe Biden asked her not to wear them in enclosed spaces.

Marc Jacobs has admitted that he did friend Madonna a favor and wrote a letter supporting Jesus Luz’s work visa to keep him in the United States. Jacobs told the Daily News that Luz “is the sweetest guy. I hope he and Madonna are happy.”

... For the next three months.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are renting in L.A.’s Mandeville Canyon while she shoots “Iron Man 2.”

Oh F you Gwyenth Paltrow ...

The Lost Boys (with R & R)

“I’m from the future.”

-Daniel Farraday

If you ask…you shall receive. Two weeks ago the Lost Boys ended our post with a request to the heavens for a Daniel episode. We’ll twitchy, we got one! Hell yeah. After last week’s quarter-buzz recap episode, we were in much need for a good answer-loaded eppy; the kind that makes you talk non-stop about it work the next day. We knew what we were in for right when the episode began with its wayward recapitulate. We’ll Ruben knew because in the two weeks between new episodes he has been hitting the cyberspace chase pretty hard, digging for spoilers and theories. Werd to the wise: stop digging, Lanaloggers. Learn from Ruben’s mistake(s). For example, last weekend he comes to me in a frenzied fit, ranting and raving about someone dying on the show. But I wouldn’t allow him to tell me. And then at the end of this week’s eppy, when Daniel’s eyes stand still, Ruben stands up and starts shouting, “Daniel’s dead! That’s what I had been trying to tell you!” He used a lot of profanities in that scene, but we cannot transcribe them here. The point of this digression is to warn you Lost fans: don’t go digging too deep…or you could ruin the surprise for everyf**kingone! Besides, that is what Ruben is for: ruining things.

Boom. Daniel Farraday pops out of the sub and into the veins of our eyes(?). And thus begins this week’s adventure. We got a ton of answers this week. We now know Widdmore definitely faked the plane crash. We now know that Daniel’s girlfriend’s condition, and his own, are a result of his testing his research on them. We know now for sure that Eloise Hawking is Dan’s mum. And Widdmore is his father! We know about the chain of events leading to the crash of Oceanic Flight 815. We know destiny and freewill do not like each other. We know mathematics and time travel confuse us, just like in grade school.

We, the audience, always knew these things, but now we know that they are correct. They are tiny solutions in the big equation. We speculated that Widdmore was Dan’s dad, but now we know for sure. And it still blew our minds.

How did Daniel get that DHARMA recruit photograph with the O6 in it? Did anyone notice the restaurant Eloise took her son on his graduation day? It looked to be a mid-east or Egyptian restaurant. Oh snap! Did you see Juliet’s face when Sawyer called Kate as “Freckles”? Can Miles talk to Daniel’s dead body and still change the outcome of the past/future?

Then Daniel takes time out of his busy schedule to talk to young Charlotte and confuse the hell outta us. At first he says that he felt he couldn’t change anything, that whatever happened, happened. And then he says he thinks he can change something, a variable. Then, why did he still tell young Charlotte to leave the Island? If he can change it, why tell her at all?

Then there is that unnecessary gunfight between K, D, and J, and that crazy part-time scientist, part-time mercenary Radzinksi. Seriously, why was that scene needed? Foreshadowing, we guess. Forced foreshadowing, we say. Dan gets shot then says that whole speech about people and time and death. Yada yada yada. Sometimes we wish that he would just spell it out for us. Then again, sometimes we don’t. We’d rather figure it out, like an equation. Even though Ryan hated algebra. And Ruben is so impatient he looks online for quick fixes and ends up pulling his hair because of what he knows. Maybe this is why Daniel is craxy…because of what he knows. Maybe this is why he was crying while watching the footage of the found (fake) Oceanic wreckage. His brain knew that he is involved. Somehow.

And now Eloise is pushing Dan to work for Widdmore. Why is it when Eloise and Widdmore mention the Island they say it with a weird emphasis? “I have sent my son back to the Island, knowing full well…” Then she slaps Charles and gets into a cab.

Ever since that one eppy where you can see someone moving in the background shadows, we have been searching the backgrounds of each scene, trying to find some hidden gem. Did anyone out there see anything in the background of this eppy?

For more on time travel, try reading Greg Egan or Jack Finney or Godel.

For more on The Lost Boys - email us at lanalogue@gmail.com