Why Isn't Anyone Writing About My Life On The D List? (posted by KCo)

Hi! Lana here. I just wanted to say that this was one of my favorite columns of all time because it incorporated the words:
Teabagging, Fisting, Bravolebrity, ContraDICKS & Angry Badger.

Why aren't I watching My Life on the D-List?

And now .. I give you ... KCo ....

Why Isn't Anyone Writing About My Life On The D List?

Finally an episode on Young Hollywood!!!!!!!! Gotta love the tips on how Kathy can friend this demographic:
1) Dress immature

2) Facebook

3) Hang out with young A-listers

4) Get on a "young show" like on the CW

So apparently Gossip Girl passed on Kathy due to scheduling concerns...um ok. That's too bad because I could really see Kathy as the new Irish maid. But Privileged snatched her up thanks to one of her gays who happened to be the casting director. Didn't that show get cancelled? My favorite part of her #4 on her to do list get on CW was her tip on how to look better on camera...Vaseline the hell out of the lens a la Cybil Sheppard in Moonlighting.

OK on to challenge #2 the Facebook page or as Maggie calls it Face Place. Kathy decides to put Maggie in charge of updating her page. Maggie thinks that it sounds like a lot of work and she simply doesn't have that kind of time. Kathy, however, does not give up and tells Maggie that she's a "momager" and she "could learn a few things from Dina and Lynn" (please you know exactly who I'm talking about). Maggie's first task is to cyber-bully Ryan Seacrest...oh goody. Kathy writes on Ryan's wall, "So happy for your success - enjoy your fisting session tonight". Then she begs her mother to complete her status "Kathy is..." with Kathy is teabagging Nick Cannon. Maggie can't accept the job and she doesn't do teabagging (btw...whatever that is). Then Maggie concludes the wall updating session by reading a recent post to Kathy's wall, "B&tch needs to be muzzled 4 eva".

Next stop on our list #1 and 4 - Dress immature and hang out with a young A-lister. Done and done by getting ready to hang with Paris Hilton. Cut to getting dressed montage. She is advised not to wear a bra. She proceeds to stroll down Robertson lifting up her dress to get the young Hollywood shot. Kathy meets Paris at Kitson, of course! What ensues is a shopping competition and a pose off. Oh and a tutorial in Paris' lexicon of cool...we learn her new catch phrase..."this dress is so SICK". Kathy adds her own spin by adding that the dress is so sick that it is actually vomiting. And Paris educates us that she has moved on from "HOT" to "HUGE" - all in her creepy, baby accent. And to add insult to injury the check out girl calls Kathy "Katie" after Kathy spends nearly 15K (She beat Paris by 2K). Kathy needs a bathing suit for her next outing with Paris and the bathing suit must read "accessible but you can't rape me"(That's quite a brief). During this bit of bonding/girl talk, Paris informs Kathy that "only ugly girls go down on their knees". Kathy is not buying that from Paris. Didn't we see video that contraDICKS that? PS - In the middle of all this, Jill Zarin enters into Kitson. Uh oh a competing Bravolebrity.

Paris and Kathy go poolside where Kathy decides that she wants to play a game of "Either/Or" with Paris. Paris answers the mundane but freezes when Kathy asks her missionary or on top. Kathy creates a new position that she has named the Angry Badger.

So now that we are a few episodes in, it is clear that each episode has her "new friend" calling a celeb that Kathy wouldn't have access to. So in comes Snoop who is such a trooper and is the only one who doesn't rebuff Kathy's advances. I think he actually would hit that...and boy that's a lot of pot. I think Kathy was really turned on because Snoop actually had hold music on his cell phone. So catch that Team Griffin...that's your next task.

Paris' night is Mr Chow, then Apple, followed by 3 after parties. Kathy is not game as she would rather order pizza and watch Sober House. That sounds nice. I love Dr Drew. In the cold light of the next day, Kathy has buyers remorse "that shit is going back to Kitson asap".

We wrap it up with Kathy firing Maggie because she's not accepting friends and writing weird things on the wall like a drunken video log.

Until next week - have a happy 4th!

Reality Bites (posted by jill brady)

The Bachelorette

I'm loving this season! I know, I know, I love every season. Was so happy to see Ed pop back in this week - he was one of my projected finalists - was glad Jillian gave him another chance. Wes? Not sure why she kept him - it is pretty obvious based on all we have seen that he is there for his career and not sincere with Jillian. She either doesn't see it - even when Jake comes back and pushes it in her face (why was he crying after?) or doesn't want to see it. Either way, still rooting for Ed and Kiptyn in the end. Michael is way too immature - the twin switch trick was stupid.

Good links:

Trista's Blog - http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/watch_with_kristin/b130741_trista_sutter_blogs_about_bachelorette.html

EW Blog - http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/06/bachelorette-jillian-wes-ed-crazy.html

Chris Harrison's Blog - http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/06/chris-harrison-the-bachelorette.html

Josh Hartnett: Spotted Eating for Free

An Anonymous LANALOGGER spots Josh Hartnett yesterday at Ruby’s on Mott & Spring. Apparently, they gave him his lunch for free. Ummm lady? Why are you talking to the "I'm too old for my sideways hat" dude, when Josh Hartnett is sitting across from you?

Did You Steal Leonardo's Sneakers?

Get this. Leonardo DiCarprio goes into a temple in Kyoto, Japan last week and leaves his sneakers outside. Prior to going in, fans asked for his picture and he declined. According to reports the fans felt slighted and ran off with his kicks. He had to leave barefoot.
The questions is: Even if he had taken the picture, would the crazy fans have run off with the sneakers anyway? Would you lift sneakers that were DiCaprio's so you could smell his sweat? It would be kind of a cool conversation piece at parties, don't you think?

"Hey guys, these are Leonardo's sneakers, I stole them when he went into a temple in Japan. Want to smell?"

Then everyone would pass them around. A little weird and random, but an interesting story, none the less.

No. It wasn't me.

Why Isn't Anyone Writing About My Life On The D List? (by KCo)

Kathy Griffin and My Life on the D List...one of my favorite shows. Yes, I do realize that she is incredibly polarizing but I figure if you read the LANALOGUE then you can handle Kathy Griffin (a special shout out to LANALOGGER, Evan Chodos for making my dreams come true and taking me to see her at MSG a few months ago).

Episode 1
The first episode of the season featured Bette Midler - Ok I will admit that this first episode was not the typical one and it turned into an hour long interview with Bette Midler (Hi green sequins pants). Anyway. Kathy did a special appearance in Bette's Vegas show and the highlights include:

1) Seeing Kathy's body- actually she has a great body surprisingly or maybe not since she is basically a young version of Joan Rivers...good thing since that face well...honestly i think the bangs need a total re-do...

2) Oh the deep fried Oreos and Twinkies...yum - I need to go to Vegas asap

3) Crazy African American lady in Happy Birthday scene

OK, so it wasn't my favorite episode but i will hang in there waiting for a gem and there's nothing else to watch well except the Real Housewives of New Jersey but I digress...

Episode 2
I don't really get the obsession with getting a Grammy. I'd rather witness another obsession like Kathy trying to become BFF with Heidi and Spencer so she can infiltrate, turn on them and humiliate them but that's not happening.
Well finally after a year of campaigning, Kathy was finally nominated for a Grammy. However, she soon realizes that she really has to fight for a nomination since she's up against George Carlin. What ensued was Kathy's own personal Grammy Telethon where she enlisted her mother, her housekeeper and her man servant, Tom. I loved hearing her mother Maggie cold call the Chemical Brothers and T Pain trying to get them to vote for Kathy.
She then goes to Canada to perform which was pretty uneventful with the exception of the hotel manager, Howard who stalks Kathy the whole time. The Lily Tomlin guest appearance wasn't all that exciting except I was wondering why I am always the last to know...Lily Tomlin is gay? The jean jacket should have been a dead giveaway? But I did enjoy the call to Liza Minnelli who was a lot less crazy than I would have imagined.

Episode 3

A medley of what Kathy does best - one liners, gay best friends/assistants and fun celebs. If you consider Paula Deen a celeb, but then again anyone that starts a successful food empire in her 40's, cooks with full fat, has fabulous, voluminous hair and a contagious laugh is OK in my book.
We finally get some well-deserved closure on whether or not Kathy will win a Grammy - spoiler alert - she does not (shocker) - George Carlin wins. Following the Grammy's (or as Kathy calls it the Schammy',s because technically its the pre-Grammy's which occurs in the bright light of day), Kathy and man-servant, Tom bury their feelings in a plate of nachos at some LA dive in their Sunday best.
On to Paula Deen who sends Kathy into a pure panic when she invites Kathy to Savannah to spend time at her house. Kathy's motivation in going is to "f&ck one of the sons". Pleasant and hopefully they were forewarned because while I love her comic genius, she dated Steve Wosniak of Apple fame (no not the one with the liver transplant that's Steve Jobs. I'm referring to the mini troll/nerd who did the worm on DWTS).
Paula has forewarned Kathy that she will need to cook something, so Kathy and her delightful mother, Maggie brainstorm potential delicacies such as ham and spinach roll ups and sloppy joes with wine. Ah the cooking skills of the Irish!
Moments into meeting Paula, Kathy accidentally hits Paula in the face with a switch. What a way to make friends...Paula was a great sport about it though. Kathy pulled herself together after the switch incident and felt much more at home when she met Brandon - Paula's own gay assistant.
While at Paula's, we get introduced to a Deen family phrase, "Turd Alert" which is a signal to all that one of Paula's many dogs has released a turd in the house...gross. I really don't like the thought of loose turds in a house of a cook. I hope the Food Network doesn't film at Paula's house.
The food competition gets underway and the pressure is on. Tiffany creates her own dish called Tiffalada's, Michael McDonald makes scallops?, Tom makes Frat Boy Pizza - so a real expert, high class cook off. And of course, Kathy makes her famous Cake Soup. Cake Soup became famous last season when after Kathy successfully diets and is featured in Life & Style magazine she breaks her diet or fast with Cake Soup - what is Cake Soup? Get out your pen and paper for this complicated recipe - 2 pieces of chocolate cake and a pint of vanilla ice cream blended in a mixer. yum! Prepping my fridge now for my next binge now!
At dinner, Kathy manages to make Paula's son feel extremely uncomfortable, but he successfully avoids her advances. Luckily Paula's gay, Brandon, is drunk and distracting, so the son can escape unharmed. Tom, however, does not survive dinner without getting humiliated when Kathy brings up his tikitilamania...look it up.
To close out episode 3, i think we saved the best one liners for last...
"We need a giracle" - a gay miracle - have to add that to the lexicon
AND
"I want to get my period and pistol whip you with my tampon" - hope my mother isn't reading this. Not very lady- like, but she's no lady.

Jon & Kate: The Duh Factor

They are getting divorced. DUH. Like we didn't see it coming. So why is it such a big deal? Everyone cares. After Monday night, Twitter and Facebook statuses were all about Jon & Kate. Why aren't people just saying DUH and moving on? DUH.

The 5 "DUH" Factors Regarding Jon & Kate Plus 8

1) The highest divorce rate in our country are of parents with twins (LANALOGGER Julie Ginsburg pleasantly informed me of that (unsolicited) when I had mine. I can't even imagine what it would be like with 8. DUH.
2) These people had a certain set of beliefs and decided not to reduce. Whether you agree with the, or not, it's their choice. Now they have to support these kids, any way they can. I think I may be doing the same thing if I had 8. With that said, having cameras monitoring your every move is stressful on your relationship. DUH.
3) Jon & Kate got together before they were famous - when there were no other options. The first person to name one someone famous in Hollywood that stayed with the person they were with before they became famous - I'll give you the book "Twilight: The Director's Notebook". DUH.

4) Jon is kind of a slacker (and sick whiner) and if I was Kate, I would want to trade up too. DUH.
5) Kate has a reverse mullet so I see Jon's point of view. DUH.

BONUS: They are on a reality show that needs ratings. That needs a change. Would you have continued to watch if everything was awesome? Aaaaand .... DUH.

Do you have any more DUH factors? Email us at lanalorusso@gmail.com

True Blood with Nick

“Nothing But the Blood”

Umm intense much?

The premier episode begins with the cliffhanger of season 1 and it turns out that the body in the car is Miss Jeanette, not Lafayette, oh and her heart is ripped out and her face looks like a Halloween mask, INTENSE.

Lafayette is chained to a pole in Eric’s (the blond vampire) basement with a few other prisoners who are all chained to this rotating pole device. The whole scene was gritty, dirty and, well, did we really need to witness explosive diarrhea? INTENSE.

Maryann told off Tara’s loser mother in full intense awesomeness. Later they show Sam visiting Maryann’s home and then it cuts to a flashback of him when he was 17 and Maryann in full cougar-mode, who appears to be the same age as she is in present day. In the flashback the two of them share an intense sex scene with her doing all sorts of weird-hyper-vibrate-movements that would make me run very far away. INTENSE.
Ohh and “NOBODY NEEDED TOWELLS” was classic.

Just when you think, “can we relax” Sookie finds out Bill killed her great-uncle (because he molested her when she was a child) and when she goes to his house to yell at him they end up getting naked, with boobies and everything, which was slightly weird to watch when you know that they’re a real life couple, it’s like peeking in someone’s bedroom window. INTENSE.

On a lighter side of things, Andy the detective is still a dumbass because he’s wrong all the time, which is a great laugh, Jessica (Bill’s daughter-like vampire) is still super annoying and Jason Stackhouse has become as religious as Spencer Pratt.

All in all True Blood is back with great acting, the same season one feel, and an intriguing direction (Maryann).

Overall 10 outta 10

Thoughts on True Blood? Happy with the first eppy? Email us @ lanalogue@gmail.com

TWITTER SOUP: 5 Dumbest Celebrity Tweets Today (and it's not even noon)

spencerprattNothing like starting your morning training in a shoot house with @heidimontag and some M4 rifles! 5 minutes ago from TwitterFon
(Spencer, I don't think you're trying hard enough to sound interesting)



lisarinnaGood morning!! Up early no one else is up! i love this time of day its QUIET! 36 minutes ago from web
(I don't know about you, but I'm usually up EVERY day at 7AM going to a little thing called work.)



DENISE_RICHARDS: morning..starting radio interviews..my dad is going to do some with me as well!! about 2 hours ago from web
(Denise Richards Dad??? No Way!!! Set your dials!)



babygirlparisDubai is such a beautiful place, this morning I went swimming in the ocean. The water was as warm as a bath, so incredible. Then I went to the water park at the Atlantis and went on all the slides. So much fun! I feel like I'm in Paradise! :) Check out Dubai :) about 3 hours ago from web
(How much did you get paid you to say that?)


ShannaMoaklercast pearls before swine (idiomatic) To give things of value to those who will not understand or appreciate it.about 3 hours ago from web
(Deep thoughts by Shanna Moakler)

Cool Summer Art Show in NYC: TONIGHT

You are all invited (even you, my one reader in the Ukraine). Hope to see you!

7 Reasons Why I Loved The Hangover (without giving anything away and if you haven't seen it, these reasons will make you want to).

1. Vegas. I heart Vegas. Always have, always will. This movie made me want to dump the twins off with Chris and head there tomorrow.
2. Roofies. When was the last time you heard someone talk about Roofies? Roofies were the craze when I was growing up "Don't leave your cup anywhere, you'll get Roofied." "I can't remember hooking up with 7 guys because I was Roofied." "He is so hot, I am totally going to Roofie him tonight." ANYWAY - I haven't heard about much Roofies lately (being so hip to the club scene and all), so I am so pumped that they brought it back.
3. Credits. They were better than I could have even dreamed imaginable.
4. T-Shirt. My dad has the same Urban Outfitters t-shirt as the dude with beard.
5. Mike Tyson. A speaking part.
6. Bradley Cooper. No need to elaborate.
7. Wasted. In the true spirit of Vegas, I was wasted watching it and even passed out a little. Maybe Chris Roofied me? ... YAY!

VOTE FOR FUTURE WEATHER

Our very own LANALOGGERS Jenny Deller and Kristin Fairweather were just chosen as semi-finalists in the Netflix Find Your Voice Competition for their film FUTURE WEATHER. The prize gets them a decent sum of money toward making their feature film and screening at the LA Film Festival. The winner is determined BY INTERNET VOTING and final round of judging by Josh Brolin, the writers & producers of Milk, the producer of Hustle & Flow, and other industry peeps. Check out the FUTURE WEATHER short by clicking below and give 'em your vote so some of our very own LANALOGGERS can make it to the big screen. One small step for the LANALOGUE is one giant step for mankind.

It's News: but not for mensa members 6/11

The Daily News reports that Sarah Palin is refusing to make amends with David Letterman – and has branded him a pervert – after the “Late Show” host joked about her 14-year-old daughter, Willow. Letterman insists he was talking about Bristol, not Willow, when he joked Monday that on a recent Palin family visit to NYC “during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”

(I can't top that.)

The Daily News reports that Kate Hudson has hired a baseball expert so she can become more knowledgeable about boyfriend Alex Rodriguez’s craft. The DN also reports that Rodriguez and Hudson, who were set up by superagent/friend Adam Modin, had a major PDA during a recent visit to 40/40.

(I wonder if this 'expert' will enlighten her to the fact that baseball players f*ck a lot of chicks.)

It was reported today that Brad Pitt has purchased a painting titled, "Etappe," by the German artist Neo Rauch, according to Art Basel spokeswoman Maike Cruse. Its list price was about $960,000.
(Lana LoRusso has purchased two paintings with illegible names by the almost 2 year old artists Maya and Zoe Soskin. Their list price was $25 including art class, materials and frames.)

Megan Fox recently told GQ she’d love to see marijuana legalized and now the sultry actress is telling EW she’s not afraid to use her sex symbol status to her advantage: “You’re sold and it’s based on sex…I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded.”
(Except, of course, if you're ugly.)

The Daily News reports, that for his upcoming tour, Michael Jackson has requested a choir of child singers between the ages of 5 and 13 that’s made up of exactly equal numbers of black, white, mixed race and Asian children, according to a casting agent email. He’s also asked for six drummers who are “young adults, clean-cut and of mixed ethnicity.”

(Is the dude planning a tour or an orgy? Whoa!)

As Bret Michaels waits to find out the full extent of his injuries the rocker’s camp is voicing its frustration with the Tonys. Publicist Janna Elias says she finds it “surprising” that no one with the show has expressed their concern for his injuries and thinks if this had been Liza Minnelli or Elton John that “the Tonys would have at least sent a letter of concern.”
(I think she just answered her own question.)

My New Obsession: KingBilly

KingBilly. My new obsession. A rockin' country/rock band with a bunch of cute boys. I saw them last night and I haven't been able to stop singing my new favorite song of the summer "When She Breaks Down". They are really great and I am not just saying that because I am in love with Charlie (guy in the pink who I haven't been able to stop thinking about since yesterday). He has it all: looks, voice, and can play any size or shape guitar/banjo.

KingBilly kind of reminds me of Stillwater from Almost Famous. Not the music, but the dynamics of the band (that I have created in my head). Check it: Just from looking at this picture who would you say is the front man? My man Charlie? Nope. It's the sulky dude cast off to the far right. Just like Jeff Bebe in Stillwater, he seems to be overshadowed by the boyish looks and talent of Russell Hammond.
What am I talking about and why am I getting all hot and bothered right now?

Anyway ... do me a favor and check out KingBilly at www.kingbilly.com and let me know if you get all hot and bothered too.

The Real Housewives: Already?

How is next week the final episode? Were there only 5 or 6 episodes or am I hallucinating? I was just getting into it. If they are going to end it next week, the following better happen:

1. I just finished reading "the book" (yes, I'm a loser) and I want to hear more of Danielle's side (which you can check out in this week's issue of PEOPLE - they have a whole story dedicated to her).
2. We get to actually see Dina's husband and find out why we never see him.
3. Catch a glimpse of what Dina and Danielle's ex's look like.
4. That "flip the table" dinner scene, that Bravo's been whoring out since the season started, better be worth it.
5. See more of Teresa's baby brats have tantrums (this week's dinner scene was amazing, I rewound it 5 times).

**BONUS** Danielle secretly hooks up with Albie (Caroline's son) in the bathroom of that dinner scene. Then, for all of Season 2, they sneak around and in the finale they announce their surprise engagement. YAY!

Am I missing anything? Email us your thoughts on the Dirty Jerz ladies at lanalogue@gmail.com

Speaking of Dirty Jerz ... Congrats to LANALOGGER Chrissy Glaydura DiBella who had a baby boy named Dominic today!! Dom DiBella. I heart Jersey.

Dave Matthews Band: Hartford, CT

About a month ago I went to the DMB concert and wrote how at every concert you could be sure of seeing:

1. A drunk young couple fighting in the hallway.
2. A drunk young couple making out next to you.
3. A drunk college/high school kid passed out next you.
   

LANALOGGER Anne Toal saw Dave in Hartford this weekend and sends us the below pics. She writes

"See blond woman head down in row E. Who passes out in the 5th row?!?! Waste! She was passed out for most of the show her husband didn't pay much attention to her. She was at least 50 yrs old ( that's prob being kind) - so there goes your idea that DMB is only for the kids....."

Where was this concert at the Cougar Club? Everyone in the audience looks about 40, trying to dress 23 back in 1996. Dave on the other hand, oddly enough never seems to age.