Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Top 5 "Lamest/Confusing/I Just got Dumber From Reading This Tweet" Tweets Today (and it's not even 9AM)

iamdiddyiamdiddy: Don't get Mad get Money!!!!! Let's go!
(Awesome advice from Diddy before 9AM.)

aplusk: I just don't understand why sex is perceived as somehow more reckless than violence
(Really?  Where is this?  In your mansion in Hollywood?)

DJ_AM: Playin poker with @missnickyhilton and @jonalagem and losing! Oy vey
(Just stop tweeting ... now.)

ShannaMoaklersome: H8'ers should know, I stopped trying to appease the 
masses right after high school. and life has been VERY good.
(Umm.  wait.  I thought you were a celebrity.)
ddlovatoLameover at the airport... BUT I'm officially on vacation! WOO! This feels so weird....
(What.  Being on vacation or using the word "Lameover"?)

RWRR: How Old Are These Guys, Really?

RW/RR - The Duel 2
LANALOGGER Terry Houston writes

"Someone's going to die in the next few episodes with all the big boys going after each other. Great show, hot girls, dudes all jacked up on roids whose appearance fee's depend on them getting as much face time on TV as possible. Girls being as slutty as possible so they get more money on the appearance circuit. It's a top three reality show on TV. As the Sports Guy writes it should officially become America's fourth sport over hockey ... football, baseball, basketball, the duel. I can't wait for someone to do a documentary on these people in ten years. They have created their own cult that mesmerizes me. The guy Mark on that show is freaking 38 years old!!!!! He has been living this life since 1994 when he was on Road Rules. Fifteen years of reality show appearances, taking roids, and hooking up with hot girls on challenges. It blows me away."

Hey Terry. Are you on roids? Look at what Reality TV does to you. These 30 year olds have the mentality of 19 year olds. Am I jealous because of all the reasons Terry said - maybe. However, they are frozen in time from when their season was on. It's sad to watch. Annessa and Rachel had a 2 month relationship 7 years ago and she is still in love with her. Easy Ross Geller.

More Housewives

The Real Housewives of NJ
I am now obsessed. Other LANALOGGERS explain why they too are obsessed. Does it matter that they are from Jersey?

Jennifer Lipari Morrison - "I'm obsessed! My mom was Danielle's husband's (now ex) secretary for 10 years. She was at my college graduation party...she walked in and said "This party is not for me" and left. Sweet."

That is worse than getting arrested for kidnapping.

Christina Lazopoulos Warnick - "This show is hilarious! I thought that Dina and Tommy were great on "Platinum Weddings"...this is a whole new level. And whoever wrote to you that Theresa has a low hairline - thank GOD someone else noticed that. The headbands ain't helping matters..... She looks like Slash from Guns n Roses. And her daughter she's pushing as a model.....mmm not so much."

As we were watching Teresa pimp out her kid, Chris turns to me and goes. "Please don't.." I told him I would never (as I quietly deleted an email I drafted to their twin manager).

Lisa McErlane Yao - "I usually agree with the Lanalogue but I must protest: NYC was way more fun to me. These chicks are kinda boring ..."

I think Lisa is from CT.

Friday, May 29, 2009


Good Finales

As we said last week, what happened to all the good finales? Here are some of our LANALOGGERS favorites:

Christopher Bower -
"Are you watching Southland??? The season finale was INSANE!!!"

I need to get into that. I love the dude from The OC.

Nazanin Dana -
"HIMYM! The Mother is an architecture student!"

Please tell me that dumb show is finally off the air.

"Other great Friends finales/cliffhangers include: Season 4, The One With Ross' Wedding ("I, Ross, Take Thee Rachel") Oops! and the end of Season 5 - The One in Vegas, Part II, when a drunken Ross and Rachel come stumbling out of a wedding chapel as man and wife. With all due respect, Lana, the airport episode with Rachel & Julie wasn't a season finale/cliffhanger, it was the first show of Season 2 ("The One With Ross' New Girlfriend")."

Actually - the finale was Rachel waiting in the waiting area - and you see Ross coming down the airport tunnel with Julie and kissing her - Rachel still having no clue. Don't sass me about Friends sista.

Douglas Madden -
"Cliffhanger (the movie with Sly Stallone). Now that was an avalanche of thrills. Seriously."

My personal favorite. although that was neither TV show nor finale - and barely a movie.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Hills: 7 Reasons

My armpit is almost sucked dry. Here are 7 Reasons Why:
  1. They teased us the whole season with a possible Brody/Audrina coupling that just ended in a Brody/Audrina pout.
  2. The sex tape scandal that no one believed in the first place (because we never saw it) is STILL coming up. This started before I had TWINS (and think about how long I have been talking about those guys).
  3. There is no reason for Heidi's sister to be on this show, at all. I hope they are not paying her.
  4. Kristin C's movie career obviously didn't pan out the way she thought it would.
  5. Lauren actually thinks she is going to have a movie career.
  6. Heidi's feathered wedding dress.
  7. Lo Bosworth is going to be the main lead in The Hills next season.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Real Housewives of NJ: Bashed & Crashed

Last week I bashed them, I couldn't even get through an episode. NOW (over the course of the weekend and last night), I am obsessed. How did this happen? This show is all I've been talking about all day - even to people who don't watch it. What made me change my mind? after much soul searching I have decided it's one of three things:

1) The Botox Party
  • We watched them get botox injections in their lips forhead and cheeks.
  • They acted as if this was a normal activity.

  • Dina denied she has botox, even though her face screams "I had botox 5 minutes ago".

2) Bravo = Cable

  • In one episode they said Blow Job - "He goes over for his daily blow job"

  • In that same epidose they said P&ssy - "I'm the one with the p&ssy"

  • They didn't beep those words out

3) Foul? No, I'm More Foul.

  • Danielle is an insecure slut

  • Dina is a concieted b&tch

  • Jacqueline is a weak pushover

  • Teresa is a selfish stage mom

  • Caroline is half man

On second thought, maybe it's all these reasons.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Highbrow for The LANALOGUE: steal a pencil

LANALOGGER Margrit Polak writes

"IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, THE DOCUMENTARY ABOUT MY MOM AND DAD will be on Public Television later this month!!!! Independent Lens, the PBS documentary series, will air STEAL A PENCIL FOR ME, in most markets, on May 26th. See the link below for your local listing. The film has been shortened to one hour (from 94 minutes) for PBS but for those of you that haven’t seen it, please take this opportunity to either set your TEVO or sit and watch. This film has been a completely wonderful experience for my parents, now 96 and 86. They are enjoying far more than 15 minutes of fame, and my friend. Oscar Nominee Michele Ohayon , who directed the film, did a truly extraordinary job. Based on the compilation of their love letters from World War II, the movie is the story of their love, still alive sixty-plus years later! Please tell your friends…."

Pretty cool. A little more highbrow than Uncle Donny's House, but probably just as good in a differnt way. Our more cultured readers should check it out.

American Idol: Who Wins?

WOW. Did anyone think it would end that way? Before I get into it, may I ask - Was anyone as bored with the rest of the show as I was? Did anyone watch the whole thing? I fast forwarded to the end. And then - Hello winner. Although it was a shock to us (due to the persuasion of the media) and the judges who are all about who could make them the most money, our readers were split right down the middle. 1/3rd wanting Kris, 1/3rd wanting Adam and 1/3rd could care less because they didn't watch the show. LANALOGGER Dave Vermillion writes

"C'mon...America wins...Democracy wins...Coca-Cola wins. I feel like a winner whenever I endure a minute of this show without the douche chills."

CORRECTION: SICK douche chills. LANALOGGER Renee Zavislak writes

"douche chills" HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. a much better name than "the retarded tickles"

Not to mention a little more politically correct.

VIEWS OF THE WEEK: gossip girl

This is what you call a finale? Serena knows where her long lost dad is - did we even know he was missing? Lily and Rufus get engaged? Lame. Blaire kisses Chuck and says I love you? YAWN. Jenny is Queen Bee of a school I forgot she even went to, LANALOGGER Evan Chodos says

"What did you want someone to get murdered?"

Yes Evan. I did.
"Well it's written for 16-year olds, so get over it."

Whatever. What ever happened to the cliffhangers?

* Kimberly having half a face.
* JR getting shot.
* Ross walking off the plane with Julie.
* Finding out that chick was a man on Nip/Tuck.
* Dylan cheating on Brenda with Kelly.

What else am I missing? When I watch a show all year, I expect a HUGE GASP at the end (like Grey's Anatomy). Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Reality Bites (posted by jill brady)

Real Housewives of NY
The reunion show was priceless - and it was great to have 2 episodes of it. Alex was quiet, Bethany was firey, Luann was on the verge of crying, Ramona and Kelly are crazy - and Jill is the yenta mom. The poor moderator had no control. And, of course, they called poor Simon "gay" again. Kelly telling Luann to "read her own book" and everyone telling Kelly she is on another planet were good - but the best was Luann telling Ramona that she has "crazy eyes". She freaked out! It was great! Does anyone else think Lana is a "connector" like Jill?
Real Housewives of NJ
Danielle lives in the same town I do! Unlike Mr LoRusso and Brad Pitt, I don't have any strategies to meet her but I will snap pics if I see her at Shop-Rite! Her poor teenaged daughters - I'm sure they are thrilled to know their mom is having phone sex with a stranger! Teresa claims not to have big hair and long nails - ummm has she looked in the mirror? (She has a low hair line - I know, its a weird thing to notice - but did anyone else?). Does anyone know why Dina's husband isn't on the show? He can't be anti-Reality show because he got married to her on Platinum Weddings.
Survivor: Tocantins
With Debbie gone, Coach had no allies. He didn't look much like the Dragon Slayer hobbling back from Exile - or was it an act? Was very sad to see Taj gone when it got down to 3 - she deserved it more than Erinn. Thrilled JD won - totally likable, good attitude, excelled at challenges - an example to all "sole survivors"!

Jersey Shore Unleashed
This and the RHofNJ are giving Jersey girls a bad name! We don't all have big hair and long nails!
New season of The Bachelorette with Jillian and her 30 potential husbands was as expected. She is very likable - let's see if she sluts around and has scenes ala "her famous hot tub scene with Jason" with all the guys. . .
Also coming soon
So You Think You Can Dance - Fox - 5/21 at 8pm
Southern Belles (Louisville) - Soapnet - 5/21 at 10pm
I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - NBC - 6/1 at 8pm
Anyone else dying to I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? Email us @

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

American Idol: Adam or Kris?

Who will win? Adam or Kris? A couple of week's ago, EW called Adam "The Most Exciting Contestant in Years", while barely mentioning Kris (except to say that he was married). Do they know something we don't know?
You know who I hope gets voted off? One if not all of the judges. They are all so painful, it really made it hard for me to tune in each week. I think that each year we should also get a chance to vote off one of the judges and bring a new one on. Email us if you think that is a good idea.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


What's the deal with Jon and Kate? People Magazine has them on the cover. LANALOGGER Celia Coulombe writes

"ratings ploy. their compensation has probably been renegotiated to be tied to audience figures. next we'll hear that she's leaving Jon for Heidi Montag. And Jon will be consoled by Samantha Ronson."

That episode of the Hills would DEF suck my armpit. LANALOGGER Christina Lazopoulos Warnick writes

"I think he totally did. Hello - in the car and she's at the wheel "b/c it was a new car and she wanted to check it out"?? Please. He was out getting loaded and leaving to get laid! The only thing I don't get is this - how does one have time to find a girlfriend when you work, have 8 kids, have a wife, and are usually followed by a camera???? I don't even have time to go to the bathroom and I have 3 kids , stay home, no voyeur-cam here. He should write a book on time management to fill me in."

It's easy. Sneak it in while you take a shower. That's what I do with my boyfriend Robert Pattinson. Shh! Don't tell Chris. LANALOGGER Rebecca Hanley writes

"One thing is for certain -- Kate needs to start cheating on her hairstylist. Wtf is up with her do? It's like an inverted mullet. "

AMEN SISTA. You should write for The LANALOGUE.


LANALOGGER Julia Quigley Bender writes

"Hope this makes the LANALOGUE. The other morning, the movie "The Baster" was filming outside my house, literally. This picture was taken by my husband from our living room window. The best is the email exchange that occurred before he sent me the picture:
husband: I had coffee with Jennifer Aniston today. she makes her own.
me: Really? I had a lengthy conversation with Jason Bateman, he liked my bag. (note - that's a total lie, i thought my husband was being a jerk)
husband: whatever dude. She was getting her own coffee and then sitting on the steps across the street from us. Needless to say we didn't talk much.
me: I didn’t realize you were such a Jen fan. Kinda makes me sad.

Then we went on to discuss what we planned to have for lunch, which is much less interesting."

I love when other couples get into tiffs over celebs. It makes me feel normal. Do you fight with your significant other over celebs? We want to know. Email us

The Bachelorette: Will You Watch?

I can't believe this show is still on the air. Will you watch it on Monday? LANALOGGER Rachel Niles write

"yes, i'm a total cheeseball... and the last one angered me soooo much. but i can't stay away. masochist thru and thru..."

Kinda like me with the Hills. LANALOGGER Rachael Honowitz writes

"Totally, only because I know one of the guys on the show...."

Oh Shiz! You can't just write that and not share. Come on now. The new one starts this Monday. Should Rachael give us the deets behind the show? Yes? I couldn't agree more.

The Hills: It Sucks

For the love of Christ. This show just sucks my Armpit. 7 Reasons Why:
  1. The acting is terrible. For example. it gives me less credibility as a human being when I am watching the show and Chris walks in during a scene like the one where Stephanie "I am on drugs all the time" Pratt "forgets to pack boxes for Lauren" and everyone acts shocked.
  2. Lo's fake job and even more fake reaction when Stephanie "forgets to pack the boxes".
  3. Justin Bobby & Audrina - I mean still with this sh&t? Get her a new boyfriend for godsakes.
  4. We had to listen to Audrina on the phone with Justin, instead of being able to hear The Script.
  5. Are the writer's on vacation? Why are they making such a big deal about firing Stephanie? Lauren should have walked out of her meeting with Kelly Cutrone and said to Stephanie "Kelly just told me to fire you. Sorry. Bye."
  6. Again. Why would anyone as good looking as Stacy waste her time with Spencer. It's so unrealistic even the writer's don't believe it.
  7. Lauren needs to get laid.
You can also check out my rantings (this time it will really be up there) about The Hills on

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Hills Pros & Cons List

Should I still watch it? You be the judge. Check out my list on

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I Love Money 2: Reunion

I really got depressed watching the I Love Money 2 Reunion for the following reasons:
  1. There were no male or female catfights
  2. Frank and Buckwild were holding hands, but no one addressed their "I Get Grossed Out Thinking About Them Having Sex" Relationship
  3. Poor Prancer wasn't even acknowledged. She had a new hair-do and everything!
  4. Where was Saaphyri? I heard jail - how is THAT not addressed?
  5. So ... is It smart or not?
**BONUS**: I was so bummed when I watched Frank and Heat desperately pitch their shows to whoever they thought were watching, because it reminded me so much of me and Uncle Donny.

Am I right? Email us

Heidi Montag Poll Results

Sharon Rose Miller writes

"As a Christian, I think this is God's will. Praise be to Jesus!"

Yesterday I took a POLL: Heidi Montag is going to be in the July issue of Playboy - shocked or duh?
Almost every LANALOGGER responded DUH.

Kristy Koenig - DUH!!!
Neahle Jones - Duh ... LOL! Who didn't see that one coming.
Christina Lazopoulos Warnick - Duh. After her video romp in a bikini, this is a step UP.
Jaime Cohen - Duh...but she's disgusting. Is any part of her actually real?

I love seeing the word "Duh" so many times. It's funny.
Anyway, I would have to agree with Jaime. While I don't necessarily find her disgusting, I think she is a droid. Spencer has literally turned her into a Stepford Wife. The question should have been - Is she alive or is she a droid? However, she does look like the perfect Playboy model. It's as if Hugh built her himself (I'm kinda jealous). LANALOGGER
Michelle Behler Sukanick writes

"I hope she wears the surgical mask from her honeymoon"

That's actually kind of hot. More thoughts on Heidi & Spencer? Email us

Monday, May 11, 2009

Twitter Soup - Heidi Montag

Latest Tweets from Heidi Montag ...

I pray you all have the best mondays of your lives!!! You only live once and life is so short God bless

Good night God bless you all! Thank you Jesus for another day of life xoxo

Do you think Jesus will approve of Heidi's topless photos in the upcoming July issue of Playboy? I guess it's okay as long as you didn't have pre-martial sex ... oh wait ...
Is Heidi Montag going to heaven of hell? Email us at

Friday, May 8, 2009

7 Wonders of The Week

1. Keifer Sutherland still unable to get his drinking under control in pubic.
2. Dina
Lohan still claiming she is a good mom.
3. What the hell did
Kirstie Alley eat?
4. The fact that anyone would hook up with Jon
5. People actually think that Amy
Winehouse is going to show up for her performance in St. Lucia and bought tickets.
SJP and Matthew Broderick are still acting as if they are a straight married couple.
7. I'm kind of excited for the Lily and Rufus 1980s version of Gossip Girl next week.

The Lost Boys with Ryan and Ruben and Vernon/Justin

“Because you haven’t written it yet.”
-Jack Shepard

This week’s
eppy, entitled “Follow The Leader,” was like a murder mystery! The only logical step we have to take is that something happens and something else happens. That is all we could come up with this week…that is all we can gather from Lost in general. This episode was a power struggle…between Richard, and Ben, and Locke…and between Widdmore and Eloise and Richard…and Horace and Radzinski and Sawyer. There are those who want to change things and then there are those who want things to stay the way they are. And then there is John Locke. And then there is Richard Alpert.

This was a Richard Alpert-centric episode! We see Dick in twenty-six timelines within this one episode…let alone the last four seasons, the Lost Universe. He’s had his job for a very long time, but what is his job? Is he like Robert Duvall in The Godfather?

And thus, John Locke! Who is Locke? The darkness ate him up. Ben killed him. He is resurrected. The Spirit is not a quantity and it is opposed to all quantitative measurements and conceptions. What lies in the shadow of the statue? Has Locke solved this riddle by dying? What is Locke? Did he die and achieve some sort of Christ Consciousness? If the Island made Ben Linus who he is by saving him, did the Island make Locke who he is now by bring him back from the dead? Does he really want to kill Jacob? Who knew Jacob could be killed and why does Richard say Locke is gonna be trouble? Ruben thinks Locke is an alien, or the Smoke Monster, or Jesus. He and Justin keep referring to Locke as Jesus. That is how we came up with the Christ Consciousness stuff.

Did we mention we hate Radzinski? Well, we do. Sawyer needs to kill that dude…and Phil, for punching Juliet.

The theme of this blog is ellipses, and…confusion? Daniel’s dead and now Jack is going to detonate a hydrogen bomb? What?!? And! How are they going to wrap up all of our crazy questions? There is only two hours and one season left of Lost. And there are a million old questions and a couple hundred new questions…with random answers interspersed throughout the years…but will they ever tell us the answers to such minor but tingling inquiries, such as why was Libby in Hurley’s asylum?

And another thing! If there is no insignificant dialogue in the Lost Universe, then what did Jack mean when he came up in the temple tunnels from swimming under the lake? He said, “That was further than I thought it was.” Just when we thought the answers would come flowing or pouring in, we are thrown a varitable curve ball, with this mind-bender eppy. Locke is nutso! Richard is clueless! Farraday is definitely dead! And Jack is bomb-crazy. And Kate is bitching up! And Miles forgives his dad. Yay! Oh! And…Man-o-man, can Sawyer ever take a beating!!!

Our new wayward friend, Justin, thinks that in this season’s finale everyone dies! Everyone. Justin greased his hair like Edgar from O’ Brother Where Art Thou?. He says he is not Justin. “I am Vernon, remember?” We have to admit, that would be a great season ender.

We also have to admit that Justin/Vernon is as crazy as Ruben. I don’t know what these two will do with themselves once this show ends. Ryan isn’t completely sane either. He thinks Jack is the one to which this eppy’s title refers. Follow the leader. He still thinks Jack is Jacob. Ask him about his theory of how Jack is Jacob.

Moving on…

So…Sawyer and Juliet in real-world 70’s-era; Jack and Sayid setting off a bomb; Locke trying to kill the one deity…it all leads to…something. Something happens and then something else happens. That is all we can say for sure about this program.

We can’t believe Locke wants to “kill Jacob”! Who knew he could be killed? We didn’t.

We are scared…and confused. Like little girls about to go on their first date with the popular boy.

Like the thesis statement of this blog, one thing leading to another thing, we think Jack is directly at fault for…everything. The Lost Boys and our new friend Vernon/Justin think that in next week’s two-eppy ender, the audience will come to learn that Jack is directly responsible for everything: the Swan station, the Incident, The Button (every 108 minutes), Oceanic 815 crashing…Jack is responsible for all that misery. What an amazing television-twist that would be! Wow, the main hero is the main cause of the drama. The protagonist is the antagonist. Afterall, Lost is indeed all about sinning and redemption, and cause and effect, and something happening leading to something else happening.

P.S. We heard amongst the Lost grapevine that we are going to see Jacob next week. Will Ryan be right? Will Ruben come out of the closet? Will Vernon/Justin die?

Three Songs You Need to Hear This Week: Summer Anthem Edition (By MARK BLANKENSHIP)

It's almost June, and we'll soon be looking for the perfect summer anthem. Fortunately, we've already got a few contenders for the crown. Take a listen to these...

(1) "Rock and Roll" by Eric Hutchinson --- Okay, so technically this song has been around since late 2008, but it's just catching on now. Like everything else on his ludicrously enjoyable album Sounds Like This, "Rock and Roll" has an effortless, Elton-John-meets-mid-career-Rolling-Stones vibe that makes it impossible not to tap your foot. Think of Hutchinson as Jason Mraz (of "I'm Yours" fame) with a bit more edge, and then go buy his album. I swear, every song is killer.

(2) "Fire Burning" by Sean Kingston --- A few years ago, pop-reggae performer Sean Kingston released "Beautiful Girls," one of my least favorite songs of the decade. Really, it's one of my ten most-hated songs of all time. But never say I hold a grudge, because I have capitulated to the trance-dance beats of Kingston's new single, "Fire Burning." The title refers to a woman who's burning up the dance floor, which is the perfect subject for a summer anthem, and thanks to the track's thumping rhythm, you may not be able to stay off the floor yourself.

(3) "Dead Flowers" by Miranda Lambert --- Because every summer needs at least one song for rainy days and lonely nights, I'm presenting this gem from country singer-songwriter Miranda Lambert as the anti-anthem of the season. With some of the best lyrics of the year---about a woman so devastated by her failing relationship that everything she sees looks gray---and a sweeping instrumental track that builds to a serious drum explosion, this is a unique and captivating hit. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Miranda Lambert is the Merle Haggard of contemporary country. She refuses to be polite, which results in rough-edged, bare-hearted music that always leaves a mark.

For awesome reviews of movies, music, and TV, please join me at The Critical Condition

7 Reasons Why The Hills Sucked My Armpit This Week

1) Would you ever continue to show up places and stand right next the psycho path who's boyfriend you just slept with? 
2) Brody went from top dog, 7 hour monologue speech giver to pu$$y whipped mute idiot in one episode. 
3) All of Jade's friends had her back and as usual, The Hills chicks are staring from across the room, pretending they don't know the friend that is getting yelled at. 
4) I didn't think it was possible, but Jade's friends, who acted like they were from Jersey, probably embarrassed Jersey. 
5) Does anyone even drink Jaagermeister anymore, let alone chug it from a bottle? 
6) Stacy and her friends, got up, sat with Heidi and company - said "Hi Guys!", fought with them and then said "Nice meeting you!" and left. 
7) Jade is a playmate. Really? 

You can also check out my rantings about The Hills on

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

SIGHTINGS BY LANALOGGERS - Deanna from The Bachelor/Bachelorette

LANALOGGER Erin Daugherty writes

"In case anyone knows of Deanna from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette history, she called out “play ball” to start the Braves game last night. Now that wouldn’t seem to be a very difficult task, but she didn’t do a great job….she just kinda mumbled it quickly. Anyway, she was standing right in front of me so I took this pic w/my Blackberry (zoomed in).

Incidentally, I was at the game with three guys I work with and you should have heard me trying to give them the explanation of who Deanna is, “Well, she was on The Bachelor but Brad didn’t pick her - he actually didn’t pick anyone! - then she was the Bachelorette and she picked Jesse and got engaged to him, but then dumped him. The guy she DIDN’T pick was Jason, and he was the last Bachelor and he picked Melissa Rycroft and then dumped her and now she’s a shining star on Dancing With The Stars! Oh, and apparently Deanna is dating Ace from the Real World, who is a part-owner of a bar in Midtown.”

Did any of the guys try and make out with you to get you to stop explaining? PS-Deanna's expression looks like someone who just mumbled "Play Ball" in front of thousands of people.

It's News: but not for mensa members 5/5

Rihanna is back with an old beau, 24-year-old Negus Sealy, who she dated before she made it big. The songstress and Sealy, dubbed the “Love God” by girls, were recently photographed holding hands on the beach in Barbados.

It sounds cool, but I’d hate to be hearing about that one from my buddies for the rest of my life

Texas native Jessica Simpson tells Vanity Fair she’s more passionate than ever about Dallas Cowboys football thanks to boyfriend Tony Romo and admits that before games she sends crazed mass emails asking friends to pray for Romo’s protection.

Imagine if you could pray for pass protection? The Saints would have one of the most explosive offenses in football! I think I’m going to start texting my friends to pray for Eli Manning’s protection.

John Mayer has called off his fling with Scheana Marie after the former Hawaiian Tropic model went public about their hookup Friday, telling, “I love his personality…He can be, like, a dork.”

And you can be, like, a quick, hot, dirty hook-up.

Megan Fox shows off her “King Lear”-inspired tattoo in the upcoming issue of Elle and tells the magazine that she prefers “men.”

Do stars have to come out as straight now or something?

The holy trinity of supermodels – Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista – will all be absent from the MET Costume Institute gala tonight.

Holy Trinity of Supermodels? Really? Somebody tried a little too hard to make their story sound more important than it was.

Pink’s rep says quotes the singer reportedly gave to News Of The World about being bisexual are “entirely fabricated.”

Hey Pink, if you’re looking to get another dude after what’s his motorcycle, you might want to just let this one circulate quietly. I’m not saying go around claiming it’s true, just don’t say it isn’t. Trust me on this one.

Friends of Bristol Palin say she’s emotionally blackmailing Levi Johnston by threatening to take son Tripp away from him.

Come on, what are you a child? Oh.

Slash has been blogging on his MySpace page about mentoring the remaining “American Idol” contestants for this week’s rock theme. “Those AI kids can sing their asses off, especially Adam, “ the rocker wrote after Saturday’s mentoring session.

There’s something about Slash ‘blogging on his MySpace page’ that’s really disappointing. Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic for old school rockers who thought self-promotion was some sort of perverted sex act.

The NY Posy reports that "Vanessa Minnillo was just shot down for a role on 'Melrose Place' ".

Perfectly written gossip blurb. Thank you. Finally.

Former “Extra” TV host Mark McGrath is staging a comeback with his band, Sugar Ray. The group’s new album, “Music for Cougars,” is due out July 21 and is being released by an indie label because all the major labels have passed.

Tad ashamed to admit I own two Sugar Ray albums, which I believe also qualifies as both. Guess I gotta get this one and then somehow end up explaining to my mother-in-law who will happen to see it laying on the kitchen table what a ‘cougar’ is.

John Wayne Bobbitt and Lorena Bobbitt face off for the first time in 16 years on “The Insider” tonight.

The Insider? I thought you were gonna say MMA Extreme Cage Fighting match. I’d have settled for a boxing match with those huge harmless gloves. Hell, I’d watch these two go at it in those party rental Sumo suits for a laugh. The Insider? That’s probably the biggest let down since they moronically dismissed the cute little kid and his hot mom story line from Friday Night Lights. And you country pumpkins pick now to pit these two? The idea of 15 minutes of fame is that it’s meant to last 15 minutes. I think 16 years is a tad over the statute of limitations.

The 1989 movie "Parenthood" is going to made into an NBC TV series, according to network sources.

“Let’s see, we’ve pilfered the 70’s for ironic nostalgia, what the hell are we going to do now? Come on everybody, think!”

Next week the NRA will gift Sarah Palin with the “Alaskan Hunter,” a military-style assault weapon, to thank her for standing up for gun rights. Palin’s name will be engraved on the weapon.

When are you NRA morons going to learn? First you let a senile old man start preaching gun rights just after a school full of children gets shot at in CO and now this? Who’s you’re PR rep miss South Carolina? The more you pull these stunts the more you piss off the gun Nazis which is exactly what you’re trying to do which is exactly the kind of thing that may one day end up taking away your precious ‘Alaskan Hunter’ military style assault rifles. Give the broad one of those old school civil war guns that nobody’s afraid of because you sit there saying to yourself, ‘all I gotta do is rush this guy before he can jam that stick down the barrel and pour that shi*t from the horn into the thing.’ Then the gun control guys start to think, ‘oh, those gun guys are kinda nice and cute’ and they leave you alone. Then you can go remove all the sport from killing a thousand pound animal with a highly overpowered (military mind you) moose mauling personal cannon all you want.

Leona Helmsley’s Park Lane hotel penthouse, which she called home, is now being offered for rent to anyone who can pay $7,000 a night.

Technically I “can” pay that. So do I get the room?

Would you buy Sugar Ray's new album? Email us at with comments.

Friday, May 1, 2009

It's News: but not for mensa members 5/1

The NY Post reports that Kirstie Alley apologized yesterday on “Oprah” for packing on weight again and letting people down. Alley said the trouble started again when Valerie Bertinelli replaced her as spokesperson for Jenny Craig, telling Winfrey, “I do better when I have some pressure on me.” Alley also admitted she nearly “died” when she saw Bertinelli on the cover of People wearing a bikini. “It was like I was married to someone and they left me…But it inspired me.”

Wait. You were married to a fat Valerie Bertinelli?

The NY Post reposts that Lindsay Lohan’s ex, Harry Morton, is ashamed he dated the actress three years ago. At first Morton denied dating Lohan to Inked magazine, saying, “I didn’t really date her…I really didn’t.” But then he owned up and said it’s “embarrassing being known for that.”
Hey Harry. You shouldn't be too embarrassed, I didn't know who the hell you were before this blurb.

Seven-months pregnant rapper Kelis has filed for divorce from husband Nas.
Kelis is a girl?

The Daily News says that First Lady Michelle Obama took “casual dress to a haute new level” yesterday sporting $540 sneakers made by French design house Lanvin.

Joe Biden asked her not to wear them in enclosed spaces.

Marc Jacobs has admitted that he did friend Madonna a favor and wrote a letter supporting Jesus Luz’s work visa to keep him in the United States. Jacobs told the Daily News that Luz “is the sweetest guy. I hope he and Madonna are happy.”

... For the next three months.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are renting in L.A.’s Mandeville Canyon while she shoots “Iron Man 2.”

Oh F you Gwyenth Paltrow ...

The Lost Boys (with R & R)

“I’m from the future.”

-Daniel Farraday

If you ask…you shall receive. Two weeks ago the Lost Boys ended our post with a request to the heavens for a Daniel episode. We’ll twitchy, we got one! Hell yeah. After last week’s quarter-buzz recap episode, we were in much need for a good answer-loaded eppy; the kind that makes you talk non-stop about it work the next day. We knew what we were in for right when the episode began with its wayward recapitulate. We’ll Ruben knew because in the two weeks between new episodes he has been hitting the cyberspace chase pretty hard, digging for spoilers and theories. Werd to the wise: stop digging, Lanaloggers. Learn from Ruben’s mistake(s). For example, last weekend he comes to me in a frenzied fit, ranting and raving about someone dying on the show. But I wouldn’t allow him to tell me. And then at the end of this week’s eppy, when Daniel’s eyes stand still, Ruben stands up and starts shouting, “Daniel’s dead! That’s what I had been trying to tell you!” He used a lot of profanities in that scene, but we cannot transcribe them here. The point of this digression is to warn you Lost fans: don’t go digging too deep…or you could ruin the surprise for everyf**kingone! Besides, that is what Ruben is for: ruining things.

Boom. Daniel Farraday pops out of the sub and into the veins of our eyes(?). And thus begins this week’s adventure. We got a ton of answers this week. We now know Widdmore definitely faked the plane crash. We now know that Daniel’s girlfriend’s condition, and his own, are a result of his testing his research on them. We know now for sure that Eloise Hawking is Dan’s mum. And Widdmore is his father! We know about the chain of events leading to the crash of Oceanic Flight 815. We know destiny and freewill do not like each other. We know mathematics and time travel confuse us, just like in grade school.

We, the audience, always knew these things, but now we know that they are correct. They are tiny solutions in the big equation. We speculated that Widdmore was Dan’s dad, but now we know for sure. And it still blew our minds.

How did Daniel get that DHARMA recruit photograph with the O6 in it? Did anyone notice the restaurant Eloise took her son on his graduation day? It looked to be a mid-east or Egyptian restaurant. Oh snap! Did you see Juliet’s face when Sawyer called Kate as “Freckles”? Can Miles talk to Daniel’s dead body and still change the outcome of the past/future?

Then Daniel takes time out of his busy schedule to talk to young Charlotte and confuse the hell outta us. At first he says that he felt he couldn’t change anything, that whatever happened, happened. And then he says he thinks he can change something, a variable. Then, why did he still tell young Charlotte to leave the Island? If he can change it, why tell her at all?

Then there is that unnecessary gunfight between K, D, and J, and that crazy part-time scientist, part-time mercenary Radzinksi. Seriously, why was that scene needed? Foreshadowing, we guess. Forced foreshadowing, we say. Dan gets shot then says that whole speech about people and time and death. Yada yada yada. Sometimes we wish that he would just spell it out for us. Then again, sometimes we don’t. We’d rather figure it out, like an equation. Even though Ryan hated algebra. And Ruben is so impatient he looks online for quick fixes and ends up pulling his hair because of what he knows. Maybe this is why Daniel is craxy…because of what he knows. Maybe this is why he was crying while watching the footage of the found (fake) Oceanic wreckage. His brain knew that he is involved. Somehow.

And now Eloise is pushing Dan to work for Widdmore. Why is it when Eloise and Widdmore mention the Island they say it with a weird emphasis? “I have sent my son back to the Island, knowing full well…” Then she slaps Charles and gets into a cab.

Ever since that one eppy where you can see someone moving in the background shadows, we have been searching the backgrounds of each scene, trying to find some hidden gem. Did anyone out there see anything in the background of this eppy?

For more on time travel, try reading Greg Egan or Jack Finney or Godel.

For more on The Lost Boys - email us at