Friday, July 24, 2009

Why Isn't Anyone Writing About My Life On The D-List? (posted by KCo)

Kathy is going to the Apollo, so naturally she consults her only black friend, Rachael. Is funny funny or does she need to tailor her brand of funny for the Apollo’s audience? She’s use to the gays. Britney jokes? Miley jokes at the Apollo? Ummm not so much.

Kathy decides that Rachael isn’t cutting it for advice so she turns to black comedian Katt Williams. He’s the number one touring comedian in the US and has basically retired at 35. How have I never heard of this guy? This guy has a putting green, dogs, a million cars, and even a zoo – kind of MJ style at Neverland complete with weird exotic animals. He even has a red velvet rope in his house like a nightclub…Kathy’s not sure if that’s a black thing but she wants one.

Katt advises Kathy that comedy isn’t color blind. Don’t be clean. No Lohan or white people material.

Kathy is feeling like she is in over her head so she proceeds to talk to every black person she knows beginning with the one and only – TI.

They meet at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Mind you this is a mere 31 days before TI heads to jail. TI gives Tom and Tiffany nicknames, Lash Pick and Tiny.

In order to capitalize on TI’s hit Swagger Like Us, Kathy decides to go swagger…Kathy tries wearing her pants low…ahhh white lady butt crack. Swagering down Hollywood Blvd with TI…

Maggie is shocked that Kathy is going to the Apollo (the big black stage as she calls it). She is worried that she won’t have supporters there. Maggie’s African American history goes as deep as viewing”Julia” with Dianne Carroll.

Kathy tells Maggie that Al Sharpton is going to escort her to the Apollo. Maggie was not an Al fan because he was always “moaning and groaning”. He’s getting better though according to Maggie. Really?

Kathy goes to Al’s office looking for advice. She’s more nervous heading to the Apollo then being in Iraq. Al advises to be careful of race jokes and don’t use the n word. Kathy rattles a list of possible joke victims…

Jessica Simpson - nope

Octomom – blank stare

Wynona’s Diet Pills – Scooby head tilt

Ok so that little list didn’t work so well so she decides to play a game of who would you rather?

Hillary or Janet Reno?

None of the above for Al.

Beyonce or Solange?

Would rather watch Beyonce dance (Al stop lying).

Roscoe’s or Polo Lounge?


Cut to Kathy singing Ebony and Ivory while Al reminds her that the Apollo is one big stop on becoming a major A-lister.

Kathy agrees to do Al’s radio show, Keepin it Real. And guess what -no one calls in...Not even one gay guy calls in? Kathy worries that this is only a foreshadowing of her night at the Apollo…empty house.

On her way to the Apollo…she tells Tom and Tiffany that if she bombs she needs them to sing back up to Dream Girls And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.

While she’s backstage at the Apollo she hears kids in the other room and freaks out that kids will be in the audience? Yikes…not good.

She finds out that she is performing as part of Amateur Family Night…bam back on the D List.

Al gives her a great intro basically telling the audience to be fair and kind to Kathy. What could possibly go wrong? Things are going really well for quite some time until she makes a really crude joke about lip plumping and that it looks like a female body part below the waist put on your face (I’m doing my best here people…she can be pretty hard-core).

What ensues is the most awkward moment I’ve ever witnessed…the Apollo starts to play her off stage. You see behind the scenes cameras capturing the stage manager yelling at her saying that she disrespected the house and kids were out there. She’s lucky she made it to the car alive.

Kathy immediately calls Katt Williams from the limo who pauses and says, “Oh my god that is the greatest sh&t ever….ha ha haaaaaa”.

So lesson learned…on Apollo Kids Night you’re not suppose to do p&ssy jokes

And to ensure that she hasn’t misinterpreted the situation she gets a letter from the Apollo that she is not welcome now or in the future…just add it to the long list of bans.

Until next time…